[Jordan]

"Jordan, wake up, it's time to meet someone... a voice you'll know... meet Aunt Shelley"
And as I said "hi squirt, I've been waiting to meet you" he opened his eyes and looked right at me. Made my night! He's adorable. Took his sweet time getting here today but all is good.
I loved him before he ever arrived.

And a little random factoid....
My best friend Rhonda was born 06.27.80, on a Friday, at 5:40
Her son was born 06.27.08, on a Friday, at 5:47
....crazy

Welcome little man!! Let a new journey begin.

[Pic-a-nic]

This is my little buddy Caleb. A few weeks ago I went on a picnic with him, his little sister Beth and his mom (& my friend) Kate. He never fails to entertain me, or my camera, and I thought I'd share these shots that I found particularly adorable.



Beth also caught the camera's eye as she attempted a handstand every time Kate or I looked away - problem was she was still strapped in her stroller upon each attempt, making for a tough handstand.

No doubt: I love these kids.

[Grace]

"He gives grace everyday"... something I have learned and lived in new ways the past year of my life. What is the only way you see if you truly know something, you remember what to do in crisis, you know the answer to a question... test it. So in my testing this year I came to find the awesome truth of the words "grace for THE day, TODAY" in ways my mind could have never fathomed.

I could not imagine losing the man who had given me the only fatherly love I've known to cancer... but on the morning my mom walked into my room - 8 months after his diagnosis - and said "Uncle Tim is with Jesus" GRACE poured fresh. I wept, but not as one without hope. Grace gave me joy that he was finally cancer free & out of pain. Grace gave me peace I'd see him again. Grace met me right where I was.

I could not imagine losing friends at such a deep time of need as I learned to walk through life after many crushing blows... but grace met me each time I saw someone slipping, or walking, away. Grace comforted my heart that I was (am) where God wants me. Grace reminded me that I must follow Christ's call even if it meant people walked away because the call was hard or unknown. Grace whispered God's word to my mind in times of loneliness that could have led to despair.

I could not image losing a piece of our family as they walked away... truth that could heal being shunned as other things became more valuable than relationship with us. Sin tainting everything it touched and threatening to wipe away years of memories with current hurts that were (and are) piling up. But grace meets me, meets us, each day as we see afresh in God's word that He holds each one that belongs to Him, that He brings back the prodigal, that He heals what the locusts eat, that He asks for trust and gives us peace.

I could not imagine life without the one I cared so much for... yet grace met me in the moment I knew that was exactly what God was calling me to. I couldn't imagine how I'd breathe if I heard the news I so dreaded was true... again, Grace met me and I rested that God was sovereign and would never lie to me, although I was met with the realness of human lies with this news.

I could not imagine the holidays without those I loved... my uncle's name bolded and underlined at the top of this list in my mind. Thanksgiving, let alone Christmas, seems like days I would be unable to make it through. Yet... say it with me... GRACE MET ME each of those mornings. Again, God's grace was there... not a day too soon or too late... strengthening me to take the next step. It reminded me of the true reasons for these holidays... THANKFULNESS: for the time I had shared with my friends, the memories, the trips, the love I'd known; for the time with my uncle, the words of wisdom, laughter, parts of myself that are the way they are because of him, the joy he brought to family gatherings, the blessing of having him in my life if only for a time; thankfulness for 8 years of ministry; thankfulness for the new great grandchild we have; THANKFULNESS as my uncle had written to me exactly one year prior.... and Christmas: it's not about me at all (shocking i know) but about a priceless give - a babe in swaddling clothes, a child KING who began a collision course with a cross, a cross that would take away my sins and justify me to a Holy God, a cross that gives me hope to see my uncle again and be restored to those I love - even if not until heaven.

Grace comes not at the moment we imagine the worst... but at the moment of need. Sitting in the hospital hearing my Uncle's diagnosis I had grace for sure - to take another breath when I felt like there was no air in the room, the lay on the hospital lobby floor with Jeremy (his son) and talk about what we were feeling and how God was in control - I had grace for THAT moment. I did not have the grace for the day we would lose him though, until that day. Although I feared that day... God gave me the grace I needed for the moment, in the moment. I need not to have feared... God was on the job and never let me down... and never will let me down.

So as I head into the new year it is Grace for the Moment I understand in new ways and wonder, not fear (altho i fight this at times) what grace I will receive this year.

[JugglerRetired]

[LIFE]

Beginning 6 months ago I began to receive God appointed trials into my life
As time went on more and more came, more and more to balance
So like balls in a jugglers hands I began to juggle these circumstances
The more that came the more I juggled. Not turning my face from it...
but not seeing i was not dealing with it either.

Until that day- that day I realized the number of balls in my possession
and the amount of juggling I was doing.
Dear loved ones (not all but some) had stood by me through these months
As each "ball" came they encouraged me to hold on, stay strong.
So I juggled, feeling "good" about "handling" it all, but not moving forward.
And yet, that day that came, made me realize... i didn't want to juggle anymore
Reality and I needed to become acquainted and I cringed at the thought.

But reality came.... ready or not.
When I stopped juggling, the balls came tumbling down
Many knocking me right upside the head
I sat stunned in the reality of it all, reality I had so blindly, but innocently, not seen.
It took time but I came out from the haze... and took each ball...
Looked at it squarely, accepting the pain & grief it brought
then giving it to God

"Sweetly Broken, Holy Surrender"

One by one I went thru these balls so that if and as more come
I could give them more immediately to the One who had allowed them.
This process continues on, and pain has flooded...but peace
sweet peace has accompanied that pain.

"Salvation is here and He lives in me, it's going to be alright"

To be numb and not at peace.... or in pain but at peace
The decision is no longer a hard one for me.
The road continues on and I do not dare to imagine this is the end.
But i do believe i now see much of what God wanted to show me
teach me, grow in me and change in me.
I hope and believe I will be a more healthy friend and ambassador...
for those God allows me to keep (hope) and those who will come.
And I continue to pray with that hope in many areas
But a juggler I do dare hope to never be again.

Lloyd Douglas said: "The good news? ...(tapping a tuning fork) "THAT is middle C! It was middle C yesterday and it will be middle C tomorrow; it will be middle C a thousand years from now. The tenor upstairs sings flat. The piano across the hall is out of tune, but, my friend, that IS middle C". We all need a middle C and my Savior is mine. 6 months ago and in 6 months... He stays the same. I wept today begging Him to help me feel His consistent hand in the midst of whirling inconsistent life. He's loving me, forgiving me, and holding my hand when all others let go. Perhaps He will restore the time "the locusts have eaten"! But regardless...He is my middle C.

And today, as I watch the tragic events at VT, sitting here shocked and heart broken we must remember He is the middle C. I pray those students cling to, or find God through the sorrows of this day. Jesus.... be their middle C.

[Sensitive]

"With all my soul I've tried in vain
How can mere words my heart explain
This taste of heaven so deep so true
I've found in you
So many reasons in so many ways"

I'm such a sensitive person. It's unreal sometimes. The smallest thing can cause this flash of pain to shoot through my chest and my little world falls. This probably means I put too much weight in "people" and don't find my full security in God Himself...yeah, i know i said 'probably' when it's pretty obvious. But i'm trying to find the balance right now. I love loving people. I love memories, my family, my friends. I love caring for others and giving to them...and i don't want to expect anything back. I try so hard not to. I guess it's just I do want to know they care back. They hold me in some kind of special place in their heart too. Maybe I shouldn't do this...expectations are what cause let-downs. But sometimes I just feel like I'm giving so much and when i look around, it's kinda lonely. I worry people are friends with me just because of what I give...what they want from me. I mean, when the only time someone calls you is because they want something you start wondering. When you realize the last time someone asked how you were doing, how your job was going, how the family was doing was.....well you can't remember when... you hurt a little.

Not it's not all bad. I love my friends, I love my family. It's just sometimes the smallest, and sometimes silliest thing, causes me to question that which I hold so dear. It means so much to me and I start hearing this voice saying it shouldn't mean so much, because it's one sided. And I get scared. There are certain things I desire so much, and am asking God for with such hope... and somewhere inside the doubt creeps up and jumps me at my most vulnerable moments. And little by little, things crumble in my mind.

Oh God, stay my eyes on You that I might see all, hear all, and love all by and through You.

[BackwardsRain]

"There's no gravity up here

It's kinda hard to explain

Everytime... it's like backwards rain"

Jimha came home and surprised me last Sunday and ever since then I feel like i've been living in a dream world. One too wonderful and sweet and fun to be real. Having him home has been a blast!! I got to take him to one of my favorite hang out places and met his girlfriend last week. We had a blast goofin off, dancing and telling old stories =) I even enjoyed the moment I was sure we were gonna get kicked out when he went off on the creepy guys around our table - but i felt so protected and that was amazing. I usually have to fend for myself and it gets old but I know whenever I'm with Jimmy I'll be fine.

I spent Friday night at a BBQ at my Uncles and minus the "war stories" again...had a blast. Then I went away for the weekend and it was fantastic. I got to run around and play and also just chill and relax. I went Kayaking for the first time and I also got addicted to the series "Lost"...yeah, i'm already looking into downloading them from ITunes to keep working my way through the season. Oh and I also won Home Run Derby...wahoo!

I'm really trying to get better at balancing my life...work and relaxing...and the past 10 days have been pretty close to perfect. There was so much more then written here but I want to make a note of this fantastic time and really soak it all up. I'm almost scared to move a muscle b/c i don't want it to end. Although Jimha leaves Sunday so in part I know for a fact it will end. But I'm going to enjoy and cherish every last second of this amazing time God is giving me, and just pray He gives me more =)

[Tremble]

Have you visited Jefferson Memorial in DC lately? You should. Stand in the center and turn, reading the four eloquent statements from this great man. And I dare you to not tear up, even desire to weep, for the state of our country who shivers when God's name is uttered, when our children have the audacity to pray to Him in their own school or when our President states His personal faith in Him and yet.... there engraved in one of the great memorials of this country the words "God Eternal" are engraved in stone above Thomas Jefferson, right in our Nations Capital. Yes, "when we remove conviction... indeed I tremble... God is just"

[LifeWorks]

"What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away"


I wish i could take a photograph of what i'm looking at right now. I lead a ministry at our church that is an evangelism outreach and as i sit in our sound booth, looking out over the tables in our Sanctuary I see people staying 45 minutes past the end of our session tonight, just to talk. They're laughing, telling stories, some are still asking questions of their facilitators, some are in intimate talks about Christ. They really want to be here.

And as i sit here quietly i am sad. I'm personally feeling un-important at the moment. It's a terrible feeling, especially when it's in regards to the current situation. I spent a lot of today looking forward to my evening after work...it was kinda silly really...but for reasons i had i was excited. I like to chat, hear about what my friends have been up to, share life...and i was looking forward to an opportunity for this. I had set that time aside and it was valuable to me, that person was valuable to me...but now i sit here, plans cancelled once again and i feel sad aside. Other people, who i don't care for too much, were more important then the time that would be spent with me...it's personal. You think to yourself that it could have been said "i have plans" but then that little voice says, "well, those 'plans' must not have been very important, seeing you must not be something they look forward to, talking and catching up isn't something they want to do or they would have said just that" ....and it stings to think that may be true.

But as i sat here after hanging up the phone i looked out over this Sanctuary and i smiled with tears in my eyes. I heard the Lord telling me what i'm doing here IS valuable...there are people in this room who have been on a road bound to hell and we are giving them light....

[Incommunicado]

Well, each year I'm part of an Easter production at the church I work at and it completely consumes me. This year was certainly not an exception to the rule, in fact it was probably worse than any other so I've been off the blogging scene for a while now. I worked 175 hours in 2 weeks and it's gonna take a while to catch back up again but I am still alive and will return soon! There have been all kinds of rumblings in my head and i look forward to posting them and getting ya'll feedback!

I hope all of you are doing well and would love to hear anything i missed that's been going on while i was "incommunicado" as a friend said tonight!

~more soon....

[Fight]

I don't want to fight for joy tonight. We're doing a John Piper series at the ministry I co-lead and it's called "When I don't desire God, the fight for joy". Boy is it a FIGHT tonight. But i'm not fighting too well right now.

Living what we're teaching our flock...it's hard. Maybe I should do a series on baking cookies...i like cookies...just not chocolate ones.

[Reactions]

I need to learn to work on my reactions. Over the past week i've been dealt some tough cards and i must say...i don't have a very good poker face. I don't take time to ponder my options and make the best of it. I'm afraid to fold. I need to work on my reactions.

Two wrongs don't make a right. Someone hurting me doesn't mean i should/can cold shoulder them...and honestly i don't really even want to do that, i just don't know what else to do. I don't want to seem whiney if i'm hurt, or a kill-joy if i need to express something. Yet avoiding it just turns me into a volcano ready to explode.

There are people I wanted to care about my trip...they didn't. There are people who I want to make me feel like a valuable part of their life...they don't. There are days i need a break from the stress of my job...it doesn't come. There are circumstances out of my control I so want to see resolved...but they aren't. So all i can do is respond, react and express myself. Easier said then done. So much to learn...and so much i'm still processing from my trip. Maybe it's all about figuring out how to live what I learned.

I do love my friends here...country line dancing, hanging out, going to church together, going downtown to play on the weekends...i love it all. But right now all that just seems to be distractions from so much else going on in my life. It's like "go play"/ back to reality....and sometimes reality follows me when i go play. I L-O-V-E the blessings God gives me...i LOVE to smile, enjoy life, enjoy God and BE who HE created me to be. I guess maybe that's it....I want other people to have this same mindset. Value each other (back to the beginning of this paragraph), pursue God, pursue joy...and when they don't my reactions kick in...and there i struggle. Back to my reactions. Oh how much I have to learn....

[Promised]

Yesterday was a hard day for me, it is every year. It's a day that reminds me of someone i lost who i love very much. And this year is even more painful...

You see, i'm experiencing how very hard it is to watch someone you care for so much for make poor choices and waste their time/energy in such useless, and sometimes harmful activities. I feel like my heart is being ripped from my chest some days. I KNOW God will win this battle, i just don't know if i'm gonna make it standing by watching.
Why is it people don't see how what they do effects those around them? It hurts them, scares them, worries them...why don't they get this. Number one our life is no longer our own if we're in Christ, it's His, but we are His body and when something is effecting one part...the rest feels it too. There are days i just don't think i can bear one more thing...
And I get hurt in the process too. The jabs i take for anything i say about the people and places that i see, and God says, are harmful. And i think i honestly just get jealous that these people who don't really love my friend...they don't even know who this friend REALLY is for crying out loud...get so much of their time and energy.

So yesterday was hard b/c this person who i lost made me make a promise that i'll never go back on. And although that promise has kept me from doing things most people my age do, and tolerate or even participate in...i kinda wish they were around to tell people i know "why" it's just not worth it.

[Blessed]

I am blessed. I am blessed to work in the environment i do. I am blessed to have people who are willing to smack sense back into me, and love me while the sting they just dealt fades. I am blessed to be spurred on to grow in my walk by these people...although i fall and fall and fall some more still. I am blessed not to have the hard road of opposition in a 'normal' work environment. I am blessed to not have the normal temptations of worldly pursuits in my face everyday. I am blessed to spend 3 hours a week worshipping with my co-workers and studying God's truth. I am blessed that i get to work with people and oh how i love our flock. I am blessed to watch people grow and learn through these cracked pots God has put in front of them. I am blessed God put me here. I am blessed my Savior knows exactly what I need. I am blessed.

But i still struggle. The warfare rages. Distractions, dissensions and frustrations flare. We love each other, but we forget sometimes. We know the truth, but we live lies and hide. We want what's best for each other...God's glory, our good...but we seek our selfish ways instead. Not everyone grows, some people fall and crash, and burst into flames before my eyes. It hurts. My heart aches. I fall at God's feet begging Him for wisdom. I feel the weight of the impact He calls me to have. It's overwhelming. It's hard. It's an upward journey, and it's steep, and the rocks trip us, and the thorns catch us as we trek by, and it gets lonely when others fall behind, or i fall down.

but still i am blessed.

[Joy]

I realized today how easily dissatisfied i am. The Lord can give me something great and I think, "well, if only it was that plus this". Good grief. Humans. =)
It's been an interesting week. At my amazing Bible Study last week we discussed the trials and testing that was sure to come...and oh boy did it come. My family monday, job on tuesday, a friend on wednesday, don't remember thursday...but the cool thing is...in spite of all that i had a great week. My joy wasn't stolen! I worked hard to focus on God being bigger then every circumstance and person. I reminded myself His perfect plan won't be thwarted and He works all things out for our good and His glory. Work was awesome, i got to see my friends throughout the week, help one of them decorate his house which i LOVE and just hang out and relax to cap it off Friday. It was great. I've fallen to my knees a few times in recent weeks BUT not gone down =) Thank you Jesus...we all know it wasn't my strength that accomplished this!! Thx for all the prayers. Meeting you all and having this little blog to share has been awesome.

[Up]

I think i'm finally getting up! I felt like myself again for the first time in so long yesterday...all day. I've had little moments like this but this is different. The weekend was great: the Skins won Saturday, we had a little 'blip on the radar' but after i (as the little sis put it) "let Niagara Falls out of my mouth" with the her i felt much better...well, her throwing a laundry at me and saying "what God has to be will be!!...so just live and trust Him!" helped too. Nothing like a wake up call from your little sis, thankfully mine rocks and that's exactly why i went to see her...i knew i needed her.

Then I continued my night with my fam having a ton of fun. yesterday was awesome too!! i drug my butt out of bed to go to church on only 4 hours of sleep after staying up too late (watching a terrible movie) with my little sis (but anytime with her is worth it). And yesterday i spent the afternoon with 2 friends and had a blast! They're newly engaged and so sweet. Our time was fun, full of laughter and honesty and the deep things of the Lord. I love these kinds of dynamics. I LOVE to laugh and have fun but i also love to go deep and connect with those i care about.

I think i really got it when last night with another friend i was bouncing around, totally typical of me, and he kept asking what was up. Not in a bad way, but a good way....like he was pleased to see me like this. And in fact he said just that during the evening after i told him for the 10th time "i'm in a great mood!" and he replied sweetly "i know, it's so nice to see you like this again". Yes indeed. I felt like myself last night...goofy, silly, deep and loving the moments God was giving me. It was not an earth shattering weekend...football, family, church, lunch with friends, cleaning and ironing...and actually another terrible movie last night (hmmmm) but what was different was me. I'm just sitting here thinking about this and thought an upbeat blog was in order. And hopefully they'll be more to come!

What will this week hold? What will the outcome be? I don't know. But i think i'm going to be okay. I think i'm on my feet and steady enough (thanks to God) to be okay. And i hope for the future. YES, i hope again!!

[Pray]

for those of you following my blog, tonight i ask for prayer. not in a moment of sadness but an honest cry for God's wisdom. it's been a hard few months and i've been so confused. i felt like my old self today though. it was awesome. i'm almost afraid for it to go but need to trust God. I had a fantastic day and although it didn't end perfect i think that's God's way of keeping me humble and dependent on Him (yeah, no duh).
I "feel" like the time I spent with 2 of my friends this afternoon was God really speaking to me, and incase i was missing it He sent me a huge banner tonight flying across my life. the thing is, it would be a good thing for this to be the case. oh how i fear to hope so i need prayer. prayer to walk steadily on, doing the next thing, trusting Him, FOCUSING on Him, and all that good stuff!
I need to go to work tomorrow (today) and do what i need to do without over thinking the entire day i had today, picking apart every detail. I need to just be thankful that i felt like the old me again and got a great chance to enjoy it, outside sitting in my room which has been my hiding place for a few days now.
The neatest thing? On the way home i think i figured something out. I have this tendency to "freak out" after certain things. So as i drove home (fighting the "freak out" sneaking up) i had the overwhelming urge to turn on the Christian Radio station and just belt it out. "Sing Halleluiah" was on and as i did just that, the fears had NO room to whisper. How elementary but how wonderful. As i sang out God's praises, telling my soul to trust in Him, it really helped. So i'm going to keep trying this! Too bad i don't have a good voice!!

[Memories]

Today was one of those great days. one of those days that leaves you on a 'high', that causes you to smile for days...and maybe much longer...at the very thought of it. and it wasn't for any life shattering reasons i might add, it was just great.
I love football...i love my family...and i love my friends as many of you may have picked up on. And today...i got all three in one house! I'm an avid Redskins fan as is my little 'sis' and 2 of the boys...but one...somehow...became.....an Eagles fan!! Eeeek. Today as you may know these two teams played one another. I'm always pulled between being with my fam on game day or with my friends so today we all hung out together. It was the first time some of my friends had met the boys (they're 9 and 14) and my 'sis' came too.
I could bore you with details but will refrain. Basically we just had so much fun and it did weird things to my heart. The memories swirl through my head and i hope, hope hope there will be more days like this one...only better.

[Odd]

i love to dance. lots of different styles of dance but tonight it was country. i stood in the room filled with many other people and just watched them during one of the dances i didn't know.

As I something pretty weird happened. i saw someone who looked strangely like what i imagine my father would like if he had desired to be even somewhat human. there was a man there, older with gray hair and he had an obvious bad back (all like my father), but he was teaching many of the younger women there to do the dances. nothing to look at really, but there was a kindness about him. kindness isn't something that ever touched my father, nor was it any part of him but in a strange moment that crept up on me tonight i thought that might be what he would have been like, again, if he'd been remotely human. it didn't scare me, or even sadden me really.
i've dealt with the existence of who my father was long ago but i'd never thought to imagine what he'd be like as a 'normal' person. my father never did anything kind for someone else that he didn't benefit from, and totally honestly these acts rarely defined him. he more often chose great lengths to cause pain. i wonder at times if he really realized it, or if he'd become his own worst nightmare and it was a spiral he had no idea how to get out of...or even see the depths of. i do wonder about him from time to time. very few people ask about him, or why i don't have a father, or where he is. it's this strange unspoken thing in my life and i don't know if i created this or if it's the culture. i wouldn't mind being asked, i don't mind sharing. although it defines great pain in my life, it does in fact help one to understand me, and how i've come to be the young woman i am. i've worked hard to deal with the pain, abuse, and emotional bondage and focus instead on the refining it caused me (and still does) as God's daughter. it certainly shaped my loyalty - as i never knew any from my father - it certainly made me sensitive - as my father helped me discover how deep a wound can go - it caused me to always want to show and tell people how much i care - for i was always keenly aware of how little my dad cared - basically it has shaped much of me and i work to shake of the baggage off and keep the life lessons near.

it was an odd experience tonight. sometimes i sit back and wonder what a dad is like. what it's like to have someone you call that familiar name, someone to run to and talk with. i have an uncle who has filled these shoes as best as he can. when asked today by a girlfriend who would one day walk me down the isle it was none other then this uncles face that came into my mind. he has 3 boys and a girl who are for all matters my siblings and he often refers to me and his daughter as 'his girls'. i love the plural sound of that...i'm part of that...i belong there. but all the same, it's not the same. and still i wonder. and tonight as someone a little older and i hope a little wiser i thought back on my childhood and my father and wondered what life would have been like if again, he'd chosen humanity. but he didn't and i don't know the feelings and comforts of a true father. so i looked at this older man on the dance floor tonight and smiled, maybe he's someone's dad. and tonight...he taught me my favorite country dance yet.

[Unexpected]

so i've been so much busier then planned recently but thx to everyone for their kind words and emails. basically my vacation was supposed to start on the 16th and over the next 6 days i worked 50 hours. my first 2 true days off were spent marathon shopping for Christmas and although i did accomplish much and get to spend it with a few friends it was exhausting! Then it was to get so much "better" little be it known to me!

Friday night the service dept. at the dealership where my SUV was being worked on decided to close 2 hours early with no notice to me! I called at 6:10pm to find out the total of my bill before I got there to pick up my SUV (by 8pm as I was told when i dropped it off the day before) but was instead told i couldn't get my SUV because the service dept went home early. The girl who answered the phone did tell me with great excitement, "you can get in Monday night though!". MONDAY NIGHT...had she missed what was happening during the weekend???!? A little holiday called CHRISTMAS and i would imagine most people would find it much easier to navigate WITH their vehicle! I informed her this was no dice and we'd have to find option B which happened to be "bring your spare keys tomorrow morn (Christmas Eve), we'll print your bill, you can pay, take your car with your spare keys and then just come back next week to get your keys out of the lock box. OK fine I thought, this i can handle. So Christmas Eve i got up and got to the dealership where they announced they could in fact get my keys from the lock box. NICE, i could have just come last night when i was right by the dealership but that's okay, i still got my SUV. I then headed to do the last of my shopping, it's this little game i play...how close to 0.00 can i get the balance of my checking account without going over!! But i found just what i was looking for and enjoyed greatly all the conversations about the game on that afternoon with various cashiers. I'm a die hard, in the blood, live, eat and breath, passionate Washington Redskins fan and I sported my jersey and Redskins Santa hat as I shopped so it drew quite a few comments. I then had to do my Christmas dinner shopping before heading into work (because i can't say NO when asked to work i found out) but it wasn't too bad since i ran into a friend who kept me company in the crazy long line. So i left the grocery store in a surprisingly good mood considering i was completely exhausted from work, too much shopping, my dealership experience, fighting the grocery store on Christmas Eve and was rushing next to work. But little did i know it was about to get even BETTER.
I got home and grabbed as many bags as i could out of my hatch, set a few on the ground so i could reach up to close the door and as it swung down to the latch to close it sounded like there was something stuck in the latch and it didn't close completely. Before the thought could leave my head of "what's in my latch?" i heard the coke bottles in my hatch tip over and the next thing i knew my horn honked and I could hear all the doors LOCK!! "noooooo way" i thought, "my keys are right here in my jacket........WHAT THE......where are they....NOOOOOOOO". I look in my back window and sure enough my keys are poking out from under my 'half shut' back hatch and there are coke bottles tipped over on top of them, bottles that obviously tipped over and fell directly on the LOCK button of my remote. What are the CHANCES! Only ME i thought! No big deal, everyone has a spare set of keys you think...yep, i sure did....IN MY PURSE because the stupid dealership had said to bring them. And yes, my purse was in fact in my front seat because i was just running the groceries upstairs, changing and running back out the door to work so why take my purse up for a 2 minute trip in the house? To say i 'freaked out' would be an understatement. My keys are locked in my car, i'm due to work in 10 minutes, i'm crying like madness because most of my presents for Christmas are IN MY CAR and i have no money left to call a locksmith.
Thankfully one of the guys i work with used to own his own locksmith business which my mother calmly reminded me of when i told her my crisis. And sure enough he went to my house after our first Candlelight service at our church and was in my car in under a minute.

Life for me is usually quite eventful! Thought i'd give you all an idea of where i've been. I should be back after the holidays in full force. =) MERRY CHRISTMAS ALL!!

[NotAlone]

Tonight i had Shepherd Group. I am so blessed with the group of people i meet with and tonight we were all together for the first time since we started this group in September. I told everyone they could come early and have dinner so slowly they trickled in and we ate dinner together and just caught up a bit. It was awesome.

Instead of study our leader said he wanted us to go around and answer 2 questions: "where are you with God and what are you plans for Christmas". The time that followed is not something words could truly convey. As you might have read I LOVE my friends but recently have been struggling. Tonight much came gushing to the surface from each of us. Some confessed sin, some admitted despair, some shared sweet times of learning, some express frustration...but all were honest. Honest to the point of tears, many tears on my part as i heard what was shared. I love the 7 people who gathered in my home tonight. After our time of sharing 6 of us (2 had to leave) spent a long time in prayer for one another. I was asked to close and was already crying before it was my turn to pray. To hear other people talking to the Lord, expressing their heart, sharing words of love about those in the room, asking for grace and wisdom, stating thankfulness for these friendships...it melted my heart. One of my best friends, who was sitting up on an Ottoman behind me, came and slipped down next to me, wrapped her arms around me and sat with me as she heard my silent tears fall. When it was my turn to pray i couldn't help but do what others had, expressing to the Lord what these people mean to me and asking Him to move in powerful ways in their lives and on their behalf. When i was finished praying i wasn't the only one with wet eyes....which of course made mine fall with even more furry. We just sat there quietly for a moment and looked around. We had been honest, we had sought the Lord, we had given Him our joys and sorrows, and we had done it together.
There are 8 of us. It didn't start that way...in just the last 9 months two of those in this group were brought in through dating relationships. And they filled the holes that were missing.
As the night ended i was left with hope, hope that terrified me. For the past few months it's been hard to get everyone together, and as i said we haven't even been able to do that until tonight. It's been obvious that certain people were struggling but no explanation had been given. I've been lonely, sad and confused but heard i wasn't the only one. The person who shared after me share some intenstly serious things as well and I wish I could snap my fingers and fix it all, but to just know where they are is step one and I must remember that.
There have been walls and masks and frustrations but tonight it all came crashing down. My fear....it will all go back up...and the next time we have Bible Study it will go back to how it's been. I've tasted something more, something we've always had, something this group was built on and i don't want to go back to that valley. I want to grow from this and i hope others want this. I know i'm not alone in my struggles now, and this meant a great deal. And there are many words between these lines that my heart is not ready to say. But tonight was special, and one i wanted to share. It will be one of my favorite holiday memories. Although many hard and sad things were shared we were real, and people showed they cared, and God was at the center. I need patience thouogh, I need strength to get up and keep walking, encouragement when my feet find the holes, and perserverence to see the end. I shared in an email to the group that "we are walking these journeys together, and will be there to help each other up when one falls." And hopefully nights like tonight will make us better 'walkers and helper uppers' as we go. So we go on. My heart hopes a little. Time will tell.