[trust]

I was thinking today about relationships and trust. More specifically trust lost. There are people who break your trust, and although it may hurt, it is kinda "sera sera" after the sting passes. It may be someone that wasn't an intricate part of your life, or someone who wounded you so deeply they killed the care.

Then there are those people where the memories are still stronger than the moment of trust lost. The relationship once had eventually begins to again outweigh the wound that was dealt. But in your heart you know you cannot trust them again. Maybe they haven't asked to reconcile the situation, maybe it's repetition, maybe it's continued behavior. Whatever the reason, you know they aren't able to be trusted again as they were before ... and it hurts. You long for what you once had, you wish for the moments of deep connection, carefree laughter, or just understanding among friends. Someone's I've found it's turned into a real internal struggle. Oftentimes it's brought on by loneliness as those are the times the holes and scars left are most noticeable. How many songs after all are written with lines like, "Reachin' for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore"? Let's just say .... lots. It seems we humans have a hard time keeping relationships in tact for one reason or another, and most often have an even harder time trying to figure out what to do about it.

I was just thinking how hard it is when those who you no longer trust are still deep in your heart ... especially when the person is still in your life and you experience a moment with them that reminds you of what has been lost. Just random musings this evening...

[noidea]

This post may seem sad, I can tell even before I write where my thoughts are headed, but it's just that kinda day. Everyone has them, today is mine. I am confused beyond belief. I feel like my heart is being pulled piece by piece from inside me...each piece telling a different story. Each moment I waiver and I don't know how to put this puzzle together. Part of me so desperately wishes for someone to sit down and look at the pieces and help me understand what the picture developing means. Someone to help me understand if it's the right puzzle for me and why I feel the way I do about it. But part of me fears so deeply... fears that I am too much. I pulled out my copy of Captivating this morning to read through again... it speaks so deeply to me. It speaks of how God has created us, how we tick, and how He responds to us. I'm hoping that will help me fight the "not good enough" but always "too much" mentality. Truth to fight the lies. And yet, I am still left with the confusion.

How often a woman's thoughts are a domino effect. I am confused... I am too much because I can't handle it and am confused... I'm not good enough because I am too much... I am scared to voice my confusion because then people will think I'm weak... or think i'm just drama filled... I don't want to make more of this than it is... how do i convey that... i just need help... is that ok... I wish I had someone to help me through this... loneliness... maybe I'm lonely because I really am too much... I wonder if I had a 'boy' in my life if he'd be able to help me... I wish Uncle Tim was here to listen to me, his hugs made the world feel like a safe place again... I miss him so much. And after I type that... anyone who reads that will surely think you're too much. It's just the pattern of some girls thoughts. As you think on one thing it leads to another thought or questions which can trigger something else entirely. We care so deeply and love so whole heartedly but we also feel deeply and fear often. Fear is a sin and we must fight it with the tools God gives us by His strength... but it's still a fight.

So now I go back to pondering my confusion and these emotions that soar. I feel like I keep having these balls thrown at me and I just wish I could develop a swing that at least shot them all in the same general area of the field... but right now they're kinda all over... so it's time to go collect them and pray God shows me what's next.

[tonight]

We are reading a book in my small group that looks at loving the Lord with all our heart, mind, soul and strength. Tonight we are talking about loving God with our strength and how that looks...by using our strength to serve shows our love for Him. My small group leader said when he reads the chapters he thinks of various people in the group and with this one he thought of my brother and I. That is both humbling and convicting as I know my poor heart sometimes as it is selfish about "having" to be somewhere to do something. But at the same time I do love to serve and I feel incredibaly blessed and humbled to have someone think of me reading the chapter.

[Questions]

Sometimes I question the Lord... sometimes I don't get the way He works... sometimes I doubt. I cry out as did the man in the new testament "I believe, help my unbelief!". And I don't think the question is where I get myself in trouble... it's the doubt that crosses the line. We of course as finite people can't possibly understand the ways of an infinite God and we will come to places where we'll cry out to our Dad saying "I don't get it". But I need to learn to rest in His arms, quieted by His still, strong saying, I've got you.