[JugglerRetired]

[LIFE]

Beginning 6 months ago I began to receive God appointed trials into my life
As time went on more and more came, more and more to balance
So like balls in a jugglers hands I began to juggle these circumstances
The more that came the more I juggled. Not turning my face from it...
but not seeing i was not dealing with it either.

Until that day- that day I realized the number of balls in my possession
and the amount of juggling I was doing.
Dear loved ones (not all but some) had stood by me through these months
As each "ball" came they encouraged me to hold on, stay strong.
So I juggled, feeling "good" about "handling" it all, but not moving forward.
And yet, that day that came, made me realize... i didn't want to juggle anymore
Reality and I needed to become acquainted and I cringed at the thought.

But reality came.... ready or not.
When I stopped juggling, the balls came tumbling down
Many knocking me right upside the head
I sat stunned in the reality of it all, reality I had so blindly, but innocently, not seen.
It took time but I came out from the haze... and took each ball...
Looked at it squarely, accepting the pain & grief it brought
then giving it to God

"Sweetly Broken, Holy Surrender"

One by one I went thru these balls so that if and as more come
I could give them more immediately to the One who had allowed them.
This process continues on, and pain has flooded...but peace
sweet peace has accompanied that pain.

"Salvation is here and He lives in me, it's going to be alright"

To be numb and not at peace.... or in pain but at peace
The decision is no longer a hard one for me.
The road continues on and I do not dare to imagine this is the end.
But i do believe i now see much of what God wanted to show me
teach me, grow in me and change in me.
I hope and believe I will be a more healthy friend and ambassador...
for those God allows me to keep (hope) and those who will come.
And I continue to pray with that hope in many areas
But a juggler I do dare hope to never be again.

Lloyd Douglas said: "The good news? ...(tapping a tuning fork) "THAT is middle C! It was middle C yesterday and it will be middle C tomorrow; it will be middle C a thousand years from now. The tenor upstairs sings flat. The piano across the hall is out of tune, but, my friend, that IS middle C". We all need a middle C and my Savior is mine. 6 months ago and in 6 months... He stays the same. I wept today begging Him to help me feel His consistent hand in the midst of whirling inconsistent life. He's loving me, forgiving me, and holding my hand when all others let go. Perhaps He will restore the time "the locusts have eaten"! But regardless...He is my middle C.

And today, as I watch the tragic events at VT, sitting here shocked and heart broken we must remember He is the middle C. I pray those students cling to, or find God through the sorrows of this day. Jesus.... be their middle C.

[Seriously?]

"I don't know how to say, just how I feel.

I don't know where, confused about how as well.

All that I am, all that I ever was is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see.

If I lay here, if I just lay here will you lay with me and just forget the world?

I need your grace to remind me to find my own.

If I lay here, if I just lay here will you lay with me and just forget the world?"

2006 went out with a bang as my Grandmother ended up in the hospital with what we thought was a silent heart-attack the end of December and she ended up having serious surgery one week later. There I sat again at the hospital, I was growing hate, once again waiting... this time to see if my Nana would make it thru her surgery. Thankfully we were in a different waiting room this time... strange as it may sound i just DIDN'T want to be in that awful waiting room i'd lived in for so many days when my Uncle was diagnosed with cancer. Walking thru the lobby (where that waiting room is) I still could/can see our family huddled there as the Doctor said those words... it's cancer .... and I don't like that room. I was so exited to tell my friend when he called me while i was waiting during my nana's surgery that we were in a different waiting room! Such a small thing, but it was huge to me. The hospital heals people yes, and it is helping my uncle but I still associate it with such bad news. So again my family was there, only this time my amazing uncle sat there with us, his little bald head and huge sense of humor. He curled up and slept as we waited... and God called us to another level of trust...

The day was hard... i was the one who waited with my grandparents before the surgery... watching my grandfather kiss my grandmother over and over. Sitting holding her hand as she laid in bed and we waited in the pre-op room. My cousin coming in with yet another family member he was able to take care of there at the hospital (God's sovereign plan!). Then watching my grandfather say goodbye as they wheeled her off, and he walked out crying with me as we heading to the waiting room where our family was. I was an emotional mess... i was witnessing a LOVE that I dream of having one day... a goal I WILL have in my marriage... and at the same time my heart was tearing in two as I watched them struggle thru the road God had called them (us all) to. But oh how I love my family... there are really no words to express it... or this day in my life... but on we trucked on... and my Nana came through 4 hours later... we breathed again.

Okay, now hold on... as we sat that day in the waiting room there was a great topic of conversation amung my family.... see there had been more news that previous week...only this time it was my news. In the middle of this all... I was laid off my job of 8 years. I went in for what I thought was my annual review and instead... lost my job. It wasn't for "performance or b/c of me"... "just money issues"... yeah that helped me not hurt! Having this occur was simply surreal in the middle of cancer and my nana's health issues. Now my job... "seriously, seriously???" I felt like yelling. I had 4 weeks vacations, 3 weeks sick time... security that if my family needed me I could go. My job was flexible and not to mention... I LOVE IT. I didn't have the emotional energy to start looking for a job. I felt scared, alone, abandoned and hurt. I struggled with God on His timing, but I knew it was HIS timing. I worked through emotions with a friend in the week that followed... fear, failure, etc... he listened and talked thru it with me. Others just distracted me and I was thankful for it... but as you'll read in the following posts I had to come to some hard realities in the months that followed. January was just a blur for me though... on going cancer updates, my nana... then my job. My friend said i should write a book "bad news comes in sets of three... my life is proof". I laughed... it was so true. Three big blows....

But what did i do when it was news #4 - my uncle tim went in the hospital while I was in TX, it was not good.... or #5 - my grandfather decided to take his residency up next in that "home away from home" (the hospital) while I was in TX - more heart issues. So there was my mom, another uncle, my nana & aunt going from one wing where my uncle tim was, to the other where my papa was... and i'm in TX. There were phones calls to us that they weren't sure my uncle would make it through this one and I was terrified I wouldn't be there to say goodbye. I wasn't ready to say goodbye.

Thankfully I was with my cousin who I love so dearly... he was back from Iraq and I was so thankful to be with him during this time. They almost called me home but he made it through the necessary surgeries as did my papa and we breathed again. I got stuck in TX b/c of a snow storm back home and honestly.... the time away.... felt amazing. Everything in my family happens within 20 minutes of my home... so each time the phone rings - i go, and I was tired. For some family members they are far away and although they ache and are scared they aren't "in the middle" of it... it's exhausting. So for just one time, I was away and couldn't "do anything" during hits #4 & #5... and once the scare was over i was able to enjoy my time being stuck in TX. I "went home breathing easier then when I got to TX" as my cousin said... I love him.

#6 came soon after.... a blow from a friend... as did more after that. Temp jobs came... the family moved on... but something wasn't right, besides the obvious....

(Next post: JugglerRetired)