I wouldn't have it any other way... for I know such deep joy by contrast of deep pain. I know the beauty of having people so deep in my heart I can't, and would never want to, imagine life without them. I know what it is to look at someone and have the overwhelming sense of joy that God has allowed them to be a part of my life, leaving fingerprints forever. I wouldn't trade this joy for the pain of loss for anything in the world.
When people leave I mourn. They have left in various ways my whole life and the sting of that memory, the ache of that hole in my heart, never really leaves. But for a time... they brought my life a deep love I wouldn't trade... I cherish. The ache can burn deep some days once that place is empty, but regret for having loved is never a part of that ache.
It takes a lot of work and trust to gain that place in my heart. It is not a road that is wide and easily journeyed to that place in my heart. It is a trusted, guarded, place I hold for those who truly want to be there. I have been fooled a few times... and those aches are different, but with each one i learn.
I have also come to realize not everyone's heart works this way - in fact very few do. It's not that they don't love deeply - they do. It's not that they don't have cherished places in their heart of deep joys and moments of deep ache for those they've lost - they do. But they choose to let people take up home in the empty spots filling that void. A woman who is single may let the men in her family, or a friend, fill that void until one day it might be filled. A person who has lost a deep love might let another fill it to heal the memory of the pain. It is the way they choose to operate and for the most part I understand. Until I realize I was a "filler" who is easily moved aside when another comes along to fit that spot. Until I realized I didn't have my own place that no one else could fill, I wasn't missed if I didn't fill that spot, my spot wasn't special to them. That is a new understanding I have come to... one that has brought great clarity as I haven't understood how someone could so enjoy their time with me, calling me to hang out, wanting to do special things together, then when another comes along I am so easily forgotten.
Maybe I'm not the kind of person that is considered to be the type to hold their own unique place, and maybe I just need to come to grips with that.
It is difficult to have a heart that grows with loved ones gained. There are more people to show value to and spend time with... there are more people to stay in touch with and care for... and sometimes I fail at this. They still hold this precious place in my heart - but I fail at letting them know that, reminding them of that. I am working on that.
But when my heart grows I do not lose the desire to spend time with another. There are some that are in deeper places in my heart and my life is not the same without their presence and time in my life. They are the ones I most want to see & spend time with. As others come along in those deep places I want to see them TOO but never in place. Maybe I can't spend quite as much time - but time I will spend - and time will be even more valued and precious.
I won't choose to change the way my heart works. I won't probably won't stop some of the aches there, but I also will know deep and wonderful joys. Sometimes they will come far apart, and sometimes the beauty of the blessings God allows will overwhelm me.
