[3years]

I miss him.

[July4th]

(a few of MANY pictures that were on my camera after I left it at my uncle tim's one holiday... Christmas I think... he was hilarious)

It's fourth of July, one of my favorite holidays, but the person who made it one of my favorites isn't here anymore - my Uncle Tim. I remember how excited I'd be for the 4th growing up, seriously, it was like Christmas for us kids. For days before I'd have butterflies just imagining how awesome it would be. We have family traditions you see for the 4th - first, my cousin (she was always like my little sister) kiki and I would pick out our most red/white/blue outfits we had and paint our nails in some crazy combination of those colors. Stars, stripes, polka dots... you name it. Sometimes there was face paint & hair color involved too ;) Next we'd bbq out, and play bball all day....all the while waiting to leave for the fireworks. Uncle Tim always mapped out some GREAT place to watch, usually so close we'd get burned by falling debris ;), and had the plan of attack to avoid traffic all worked out. We'd park forever away so we wouldn't sit in traffic afterwards and walk to the football stadium with frisbees, sodas and blankets in hand. I could go ON and ON but I won't... the day was simply magical (if I believed in magic) for us kids. And then, the best part of the night was at the end, the car ride home. It involved a station wagon with the back seats folding down with 4 (or 5 at the end with little Gabe) kids rolling all over the back as he drove like a crazy person down the back streets of our neighborhood. Zigging and zagging all the while we were laughing so hard we couldn't breathe being tossed to and fro in the back. We'd get home and get out of the car to my mom and aunt cracking up looking at us walk like we'd just been on the tea cups at disney world... and looking like it too! As we got older traditions changed... my Uncle Bob did his own BBQ with fireworks and we joined. But it was NOT the 4th if I wasn't with Uncle Tim and the kids. And this year... I won't be with him... or his kids. So it is a bittersweet day, full of memories made and new ones to be made I'm sure. We'll still BBQ and Uncle Bob will still try his hardest to set all the houses on fire in the neighborhood with his crazy fireworks. I'm in all red/white/blue with crazy nails and blue streaks in my hair, but kiki isn't with me. I have years of joy to ponder and an incredible family waiting just a little ways down the road for me. Yet all day, every second, i will want to cry b/c I miss my Uncle Tim so deeply. There have been 4th of July's I dared go somewhere else to see friends... and the year I did it was a mess and I called him crying (long story) and I remember him saying "baby, get in your car and come back... come back baby and it'll all be okay". And it was, I went back and he was still there, arms open to make everything better. But today, as much as I will yearn for those open arms they won't be there... but he will be on my mind every second. I will laugh and play and enjoy the AMAZING family I have, my cousin Chris is here which makes me so happy, but it will be bittersweet indeed.

I love you uncle tim.

[12Days]

Can't breathe.

Time flew.

So much to tell you.

So much to ask.

You're gone.

I hate those words.

I hate cancer.

I miss you.

More than words.

I need you.

You're so far.

I'd give anything.

Anything.

Pictures comfort.

Memories flood.

Pictures hurt.

Pain swells.

Almost one year.

Feels like yesterday.

People forget.

The ache never leaves.

Your fight ended.

Ours rages on.

Life without you.

Will never feel right.

[Grace]

"He gives grace everyday"... something I have learned and lived in new ways the past year of my life. What is the only way you see if you truly know something, you remember what to do in crisis, you know the answer to a question... test it. So in my testing this year I came to find the awesome truth of the words "grace for THE day, TODAY" in ways my mind could have never fathomed.

I could not imagine losing the man who had given me the only fatherly love I've known to cancer... but on the morning my mom walked into my room - 8 months after his diagnosis - and said "Uncle Tim is with Jesus" GRACE poured fresh. I wept, but not as one without hope. Grace gave me joy that he was finally cancer free & out of pain. Grace gave me peace I'd see him again. Grace met me right where I was.

I could not imagine losing friends at such a deep time of need as I learned to walk through life after many crushing blows... but grace met me each time I saw someone slipping, or walking, away. Grace comforted my heart that I was (am) where God wants me. Grace reminded me that I must follow Christ's call even if it meant people walked away because the call was hard or unknown. Grace whispered God's word to my mind in times of loneliness that could have led to despair.

I could not image losing a piece of our family as they walked away... truth that could heal being shunned as other things became more valuable than relationship with us. Sin tainting everything it touched and threatening to wipe away years of memories with current hurts that were (and are) piling up. But grace meets me, meets us, each day as we see afresh in God's word that He holds each one that belongs to Him, that He brings back the prodigal, that He heals what the locusts eat, that He asks for trust and gives us peace.

I could not imagine life without the one I cared so much for... yet grace met me in the moment I knew that was exactly what God was calling me to. I couldn't imagine how I'd breathe if I heard the news I so dreaded was true... again, Grace met me and I rested that God was sovereign and would never lie to me, although I was met with the realness of human lies with this news.

I could not imagine the holidays without those I loved... my uncle's name bolded and underlined at the top of this list in my mind. Thanksgiving, let alone Christmas, seems like days I would be unable to make it through. Yet... say it with me... GRACE MET ME each of those mornings. Again, God's grace was there... not a day too soon or too late... strengthening me to take the next step. It reminded me of the true reasons for these holidays... THANKFULNESS: for the time I had shared with my friends, the memories, the trips, the love I'd known; for the time with my uncle, the words of wisdom, laughter, parts of myself that are the way they are because of him, the joy he brought to family gatherings, the blessing of having him in my life if only for a time; thankfulness for 8 years of ministry; thankfulness for the new great grandchild we have; THANKFULNESS as my uncle had written to me exactly one year prior.... and Christmas: it's not about me at all (shocking i know) but about a priceless give - a babe in swaddling clothes, a child KING who began a collision course with a cross, a cross that would take away my sins and justify me to a Holy God, a cross that gives me hope to see my uncle again and be restored to those I love - even if not until heaven.

Grace comes not at the moment we imagine the worst... but at the moment of need. Sitting in the hospital hearing my Uncle's diagnosis I had grace for sure - to take another breath when I felt like there was no air in the room, the lay on the hospital lobby floor with Jeremy (his son) and talk about what we were feeling and how God was in control - I had grace for THAT moment. I did not have the grace for the day we would lose him though, until that day. Although I feared that day... God gave me the grace I needed for the moment, in the moment. I need not to have feared... God was on the job and never let me down... and never will let me down.

So as I head into the new year it is Grace for the Moment I understand in new ways and wonder, not fear (altho i fight this at times) what grace I will receive this year.

[MYuncle]

Six weeks ago my Uncle Tim met Jesus face to face. He for the first time stood in the presence of our holy Savior, sin free, PAIN FREE and CANCER FREE, and worshipped Him perfectly. Just as death swooped in, waiting while the cancer took over his body for days leading up until that moment, just as it came in with an "ah ha" - Christ had the final word and said "i don't think so" and took him from the grasp of death into the beauty of eternity with Himself. Yes, my Jesus conquered the grave.

My Uncle was a great man, and has left a cavernous hole in many lives. There are moments still where I don't think I can remember how to breathe because I miss him so much....his voice, his laugh, his wisdom & instruction, his hugs. He gave me the only fatherly love i've ever known. I yearn to be held in his arms and hear him say "it's going to be okay baby, i love you". I love feeling safe, and he made me feel safe. Even as I try and type those words, the tears come. I can't believe he's gone sometimes. It will be a long process. But my family is my heart... some of the older grandkids vacationed together in early August - it was the time that most started me back on track and I am so thankful!

Our service was beautiful...from what I remember. There were almost 500 people there, it was so overwhelming... thank you to those who came! We pray that people come to Christ through not only his life, but his death. That God's glory be ultimately displayed. Yes there were tears... to those on either side of me with soaking wet shoulders/ sleeves during the service (yeah, sorry J & R) they remember. His wife & children need MUCH prayer - his parents - his siblings - our whole family has been rocked by this. And more has come. I would love to tell you all more about the service but again, I'll leave that to personal conversations I get to have with you all.

My Uncle's passing has changed our family. I am not the same person...and that is OK. I have gotten my laughter back, and my smile... but tears are a close friend as well now. And I'm so different inside... and learning what it all means. I'm seeking wisdom from older, wiser believers. And even Pastor Mike spoke on this on Sunday (8-26) - death changes you. It changes what you value, it brings new awareness of what matters, and strong determination (if you let it) to make a difference. I saw the things that mattered as my uncle passed into eternity... not just that he was a nice person - but that he stood out from the crowd. THAT is what people remember... that he was DIFFERENT. That he preached Jesus. And you see, you really realize what makes a legacy when you watch someone you love leave theirs. My mom and I have had such wonderful talks throughout this journey...she rocks.

People kept telling me at our service - 'you have his eyes', 'you have his laugh', 'you have his smile'.... but the words i cherished were 'you have his heart '. A heart for God is what he taught me...and although this road is hard, and long, and lonely at times, it is one I will never give up on. I have a God that loves me though I do not deserve it, I am a terrible sinner deserving of God's wrath... yet He gives me abundant grace. And although I do not understand His will... and I do fight with Him still (i can still use your prayers - it is so hard) I call out for grace and He is faithful. Faithful to show me His road, and although it means changes will follow - it is what my Uncle would tell me to do.

It was such a long 10 months. It is still so surreal to think where I was last august, and look at this one. My mind can't handle all the changes. So much came...so fast. But thank you to those of you who supported and encouraged me. THANK YOU for the flowers, cards and calls through these past 8 weeks... my house looked like a florist and as hard as it was to know the reason it did... i felt loved. Thank you for the distractions - dinners, dancing :), bbq's, the kind words, the patience! And we can still use your prayers. The holidays will be painful. For me - worship is my deep place of intimacy with the Lord and I have yet to make it through a service without weeping because now... as I sing out to my Savior I sing knowing my Uncle, this man I love so deeply, is there in the presence of the One I worship...worshipping with me. It takes me to my knees.

If you've made it this far.... I have a way I want to thank you... a very different way but none the less - I want you to listen to a clip from a sermon... (click 'a clip' to go to the page it's on) it is my thank you because I pray for each of you that it is a moment where you are freshly amazed... and that is the greatest gift that there is. I listened to this with my best friend as we painted and we were both rocked by it. Please go listen... it's intense, but give it 6 minutes, you'll want to hear the rest...it's not very long as it's just a portion of the sermon.

So it is a whole new world and believe it or not, this is such a small piece of what's going on... the details of our service, the memories made in the final stages of my uncle's cancer, the changes God is calling me to... I'd love to share more when I see ya'll but won't go there unless you want to ;) Thank you to those of you who, when i do see you, ask how i am doing that day - or what God is teaching me - or those who want to hear more about Uncle Tim, for i love talking about him.

Run HARD after God. LOVE Him with your whole heart. He will never let go

[Tonight]

I spent the last few hours of my life, recalling many hours of this man's life who has left a legacy of love, service and sacrifice. I mulled over the moments in his life that changed mine. I searched for any picture of could find of this man, my Uncle Tim. He is going on 7 months with his fight with cancer. I hate cancer, I know I shouldn't, but right now I can't help it. This awful disease is taking someone I love deeply, and hurting him greatly. So therefore tonight I hate cancer.

[Seriously?]

"I don't know how to say, just how I feel.

I don't know where, confused about how as well.

All that I am, all that I ever was is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see.

If I lay here, if I just lay here will you lay with me and just forget the world?

I need your grace to remind me to find my own.

If I lay here, if I just lay here will you lay with me and just forget the world?"

2006 went out with a bang as my Grandmother ended up in the hospital with what we thought was a silent heart-attack the end of December and she ended up having serious surgery one week later. There I sat again at the hospital, I was growing hate, once again waiting... this time to see if my Nana would make it thru her surgery. Thankfully we were in a different waiting room this time... strange as it may sound i just DIDN'T want to be in that awful waiting room i'd lived in for so many days when my Uncle was diagnosed with cancer. Walking thru the lobby (where that waiting room is) I still could/can see our family huddled there as the Doctor said those words... it's cancer .... and I don't like that room. I was so exited to tell my friend when he called me while i was waiting during my nana's surgery that we were in a different waiting room! Such a small thing, but it was huge to me. The hospital heals people yes, and it is helping my uncle but I still associate it with such bad news. So again my family was there, only this time my amazing uncle sat there with us, his little bald head and huge sense of humor. He curled up and slept as we waited... and God called us to another level of trust...

The day was hard... i was the one who waited with my grandparents before the surgery... watching my grandfather kiss my grandmother over and over. Sitting holding her hand as she laid in bed and we waited in the pre-op room. My cousin coming in with yet another family member he was able to take care of there at the hospital (God's sovereign plan!). Then watching my grandfather say goodbye as they wheeled her off, and he walked out crying with me as we heading to the waiting room where our family was. I was an emotional mess... i was witnessing a LOVE that I dream of having one day... a goal I WILL have in my marriage... and at the same time my heart was tearing in two as I watched them struggle thru the road God had called them (us all) to. But oh how I love my family... there are really no words to express it... or this day in my life... but on we trucked on... and my Nana came through 4 hours later... we breathed again.

Okay, now hold on... as we sat that day in the waiting room there was a great topic of conversation amung my family.... see there had been more news that previous week...only this time it was my news. In the middle of this all... I was laid off my job of 8 years. I went in for what I thought was my annual review and instead... lost my job. It wasn't for "performance or b/c of me"... "just money issues"... yeah that helped me not hurt! Having this occur was simply surreal in the middle of cancer and my nana's health issues. Now my job... "seriously, seriously???" I felt like yelling. I had 4 weeks vacations, 3 weeks sick time... security that if my family needed me I could go. My job was flexible and not to mention... I LOVE IT. I didn't have the emotional energy to start looking for a job. I felt scared, alone, abandoned and hurt. I struggled with God on His timing, but I knew it was HIS timing. I worked through emotions with a friend in the week that followed... fear, failure, etc... he listened and talked thru it with me. Others just distracted me and I was thankful for it... but as you'll read in the following posts I had to come to some hard realities in the months that followed. January was just a blur for me though... on going cancer updates, my nana... then my job. My friend said i should write a book "bad news comes in sets of three... my life is proof". I laughed... it was so true. Three big blows....

But what did i do when it was news #4 - my uncle tim went in the hospital while I was in TX, it was not good.... or #5 - my grandfather decided to take his residency up next in that "home away from home" (the hospital) while I was in TX - more heart issues. So there was my mom, another uncle, my nana & aunt going from one wing where my uncle tim was, to the other where my papa was... and i'm in TX. There were phones calls to us that they weren't sure my uncle would make it through this one and I was terrified I wouldn't be there to say goodbye. I wasn't ready to say goodbye.

Thankfully I was with my cousin who I love so dearly... he was back from Iraq and I was so thankful to be with him during this time. They almost called me home but he made it through the necessary surgeries as did my papa and we breathed again. I got stuck in TX b/c of a snow storm back home and honestly.... the time away.... felt amazing. Everything in my family happens within 20 minutes of my home... so each time the phone rings - i go, and I was tired. For some family members they are far away and although they ache and are scared they aren't "in the middle" of it... it's exhausting. So for just one time, I was away and couldn't "do anything" during hits #4 & #5... and once the scare was over i was able to enjoy my time being stuck in TX. I "went home breathing easier then when I got to TX" as my cousin said... I love him.

#6 came soon after.... a blow from a friend... as did more after that. Temp jobs came... the family moved on... but something wasn't right, besides the obvious....

(Next post: JugglerRetired)

[Beginning]

(in the hospital...again)

"Slowly walking through the crowds.

Staring at a lonely tear that’s hit the ground.

I can not move I can not speak.

I can’t hold the phone cause my hands are weak.

When I’m lost in darkness will you find me.

I can’t float or swim to shore, will you save me. "

I look at my last entry in October... October 19th... little did I know my life would change forever the next day, and continue changing in every possible way in the months to come.

October 20th 2006 ... A day I thought I would simply be hanging with my family that had moved to NC... lunch, seeing my aunt & uncle, catching up with the boys... turned into the day that would change my family's lives forever. That night I found myself instead laying on my cousin's deck with my phone next to me as I sobbed - hiding from the boys I had been watching while my aunt took my uncle last minute to the doctor..... and then emergency room. I'd just heard the words "Uncle Tim has a brain tumor". As I type, I remember it like it was yesterday. My Aunt needed to be the one to share this with her children we agreed so I had to hide from the boys so I could pull myself together and get them to the hospital where their older sister & brother where already there. The next 3 hours of my life were a blur. I had to call my mom and tell her. I called my friends crying, asking them to help me get it together... I had to be strong until I could get they boys to the hospital. Dinner... driving to the hospital... stopping for slurpees on the way. I remember Jeremy looking at me as we climbed into my car, just staring into my eyes. He knew... I knew he knew... but he just said "let's go". His 10 year old brother was in my backseat... his little world about to change forever. Jeremy has my heart... he has for almost 16 years... he saw what many others would have never seen... pain in my eyes though I gave no signs of distress. We drove to the hospital and my Aunt met me at the door... I walked in the hospital hearing Gabe go "mommy, what's wrong?!?" and he just stared at me as I walked away.

I got inside.

And I wept.

The older kids joined my aunt outside with their little brothers and I could see them all as they huddled together and cried. I ached. The man who lay in that hospital was the man who'd stepped in and filled the role of father in my life in many ways. His children had been like my siblings. I love them all so dearly. So I waited till I could see him. As I walked the stark, cold hallway to his room I felt like I was in a dream. I turned the corner trying so hard not to freak out but I fell on him as he lay there sobbing. What was happening???? A question that would haunt me for the following 5 months. October 21st they announced he'd need brain surgery. The tumor was in his personality and mobility...again we cried. October 22nd he had his surgery. In the hospital his oldest son works as he prepares for med school. We gathered and waited. The doctor came out.


Cancer


That word just echoed. Cancer. His personality was saved. We did not know about his mobility. My Aunt... I will never forget watching her face as she was told. The children... the looks on their faces. T-bo, a med student, knew the implications. His daughter... daddy's little girl... sobbing. Two young men, trying to understand. The rest of my family sitting and watching. What was happening? The days that followed were a blur. I stayed with the kids so I could drive them to and from the hospital each day. T-bo began to take charge of the medical plan for his father. My Aunt stayed by her husbands side.... we just tried to keep getting up and moving. Each day... more procedures... more cancer.... body scans... more cancer. I remember talking to my friends. I can hear one saying "OH geez" in my head now... I kept calling, crying, weeping, sharing more news. I didn't know what to do. I held Kristen in the hospital one afternoon telling her God was in control. He had her daddy in His hand. And as I sat with her my own heart silently wailed...
God, You see us right??????

I talked to Jeremy one night at home. My heart. We had conversations about the cancer. His dad, his hero. We talked about Jeremy. Each of us was pitching in... T-bo with the medical arrangements, Kristen taking care of her mom & trying to keep up with college, and Jeremy.... he didn't know what he could do... but he was our laughter. He reminded us what our family was all about. We love... we laugh... we live. He reminded us to keep doing that by just being himself... so I reminded him late one night over a big gallon of ice cream that he was doing that.... his role, it was vital. He was my laughter when I didn't think I could take one more step. He was this families laughter. He just smiled.... "yeah, I can do that" he told me. I sighed... I'll never forget that moment. I felt helpless. Watching my Uncle & Aunt, their children. But in that moment what Jeremy didn't know... he walked away feeling like he had a role in it all, but so did I.

In the weeks that followed my Uncle came home and I went back to my home. For him - Chemo... scans... 2nd opinions... it rushed on. And during all this there was T-bo... there are not enough words for his role in this, he was stoic. There were times he'd let down. I'd see him take this huge breath and he'd look at me with those eyes that said "I'm so tired, how am I going to do this?". And 5 months later... 3 weeks before he turns 23... he is still doing it.

This is how the journey began....