[Thanks]

A day of thanks. A day of joy. A day to praise Him for all He has done, continues to do and will do. Life is hard, and it hurts, but He never gives us more that we can handle (by His grace). He fills our days with beauty and joy if only we look to see it. For me, I have a beautiful family and though we are not perfect (duh) we love each other so deeply. When times get tough, we pull together, we back each other up. We have lost but we have gained. A man who touched hundreds of lives we called uncle, son, brother, father, husband and friend. He brought laughter and taught us joy in uncertainty. He taught us so many lessons in living, and then he taught us how to die for His glory. I will never not ache typing or saying those words, I will never not tear up remembering the journey, but I will never forget to be thankful for that man who changed my life and continues to teach me by the legacy he left. We have loved, we have loss and we are thankful. We have two beautiful great-grandbabies that fill our family with joy and laughter. We remember and dream together. We are thankful.

Life ebbs and flows, this is inevitable but how will you choose to see what God gives you? We can not choose the what but we do choose our response. And oh the joy we may miss if we choose to see things in our limited view. But if we call out to Him, if we beg Him for His view we will have peace beyond understanding that He IS working, He IS moving, He DOES have a plan and for THAT we can be eternally grateful. We can choose thankfulness for every circumstancing knowing that if we let it, if we let Him, it will draw us closer to him in sorrow and in joy. What greater gift is there than relationship with the Creator of the Universe? What greater reason to be thankful then the Lord of all as our Father? The Great Designer of this life showers us with blessings in the midst of this broken and fallen world. And this world IS broken, it is NOT as it was meant to be but He is NOT DONE yet... praise Him! We look and are not content with the brokenness?? Well neither is He!! And He will restore it all... and until then, we are restored to Him in a relationship that carries us through every joy, sorrow, celebration and loss.

My family lives this, some days it feels like too much, but everyday we have a choice. What a beautiful day it is to remember to choose thankfulness, to look at all we have been given and thank the One who gives it. Praise Him.

[Moments]

"and these are the moments,

I thank God that I'm alive,

and these are the moments,

I'll remember all my life"

There are beautiful moments in life. The kind of moments you sit and think, "I could stay this way forever". I had one of those moments today. As I sat there, looking around, I was overwhelmed by the blessing of my family. I've been struggling lately but as I reminisced on the weekend I realized there wasn't one single moment (minus sleeping!) that one of the guys in my family wasn't by my side. To catch up, to hug me, to make me laugh, to just be there. And as I sat and reminisced, I was holding the most important little man in my life - Isaac.

We were out for a birthday party for his dad (my cuz) and it was lonnnnng past his naptime - and he was in full meltdown. Nothing was making him content, he was just fussy and exhausted so I scooped him up to see if I could get him to fall asleep - basically a miracle. See, we were in fact at a sports complex, down on the go-kart track! LOL. I'd already been out on the track twice with everyone but was sitting this round out. So I scooped up Isaac and walked away from the crowd. I cuddled him up, and stood in the sun where I hoped he would struggle to keep his eyes open (haha) and as we stood there he laid his sweet little head on my chest and sure enough - was out like a little light. I sat and stared into his precious face, amazed he'd gone out so quickly. Over the next hour i walked and cuddled this precious baby boy in my arms as my cousins, uncle and aunt roamed around playing games and having a blast just hanging out. The air was filled with laughter, eyes lit up with adventures, and my arms filled with the most beautiful blessing - a sleeping child.

And as I looked around I realized... I was in a moment. A moment I would always treasure. People came by and smiled as they saw Isaac all zonked out in my arms, and I just soaked in the feeling that was surging through my heart. I soaked in the moment... and took a bunch of pictures!

It was an incredible weekend. I have an incredible family. I serve an incredible God!!

[Vent]

It's almost Christmas. And it's been so busy. I've been working as much as I can, not knowing how the economy will affect my job in 2009. Plus of course Christmas shopping, seeing friends, and keeping up with life. All the while that ache has been burning deep in me. I love Christmas. The decorations, the excitement, the "little" bit of unity I feel in this broken world as one stranger wishes another "merry christmas" in a store, or after a conversation while in a line. Sure, it's not all kindness...boy can people get crabby...but I tend to try and focus on the bright side. The joy and love you find at this time of year. I don't go to the mall much, I don't usually find it there ;) but just going through life I look for it...it makes me smile. And then the ache reminds me of someone, well multiple someones, who I love who aren't in my life. Of course my Uncle Tim is with Jesus now and I miss him so deeply. There is so much I want to tell him.
Like how the other night we had over 600 people at the EoW Spectacular!! And how even though the night started a little rough, I stood in the bathroom early on in the evening trying to pull myself together and I could hear him saying, "baby, you have a choice. you can let this ruin your night and regret it later, or you can choose to accept it and make the best of it. you can choose to still enjoy this night in spite of frustration and hurt feelings. baby, it's always a choice". And I made the choice to enjoy it. And oh how glad I am - it was amazing. I loved every minute of running sound, and just kept looking around at that room full of people, so excited for my friend who'd worked so hard to make that night happen. And Uncle Tim was right. At the end of the night as my friend and I talked about how amazing it was - I was so glad I'd chosen to make the best of it, and it exceeded my expectations in everyway. It is a night that will make me smile for a while. And oh how Uncle Tim would have loved it.
There is so much I want to tell him, so much I have to ask him. I miss him. I miss his kids more than words could express. I have hundreds of pictures that make me laugh, and remember beautiful memories. And that makes me sad - that we're not making more. My family is still beyond wonderful. I love all of them. But we're missing people who make us whole and that's hard.

So I'll keep going through the week. I have lots to do and more events to run sound for. A big family dinner on Christmas and hopefully a trip to Richmond. But it's hard and I just needed to vent. Christmas is once again, so bittersweet.

[July4th]

(a few of MANY pictures that were on my camera after I left it at my uncle tim's one holiday... Christmas I think... he was hilarious)

It's fourth of July, one of my favorite holidays, but the person who made it one of my favorites isn't here anymore - my Uncle Tim. I remember how excited I'd be for the 4th growing up, seriously, it was like Christmas for us kids. For days before I'd have butterflies just imagining how awesome it would be. We have family traditions you see for the 4th - first, my cousin (she was always like my little sister) kiki and I would pick out our most red/white/blue outfits we had and paint our nails in some crazy combination of those colors. Stars, stripes, polka dots... you name it. Sometimes there was face paint & hair color involved too ;) Next we'd bbq out, and play bball all day....all the while waiting to leave for the fireworks. Uncle Tim always mapped out some GREAT place to watch, usually so close we'd get burned by falling debris ;), and had the plan of attack to avoid traffic all worked out. We'd park forever away so we wouldn't sit in traffic afterwards and walk to the football stadium with frisbees, sodas and blankets in hand. I could go ON and ON but I won't... the day was simply magical (if I believed in magic) for us kids. And then, the best part of the night was at the end, the car ride home. It involved a station wagon with the back seats folding down with 4 (or 5 at the end with little Gabe) kids rolling all over the back as he drove like a crazy person down the back streets of our neighborhood. Zigging and zagging all the while we were laughing so hard we couldn't breathe being tossed to and fro in the back. We'd get home and get out of the car to my mom and aunt cracking up looking at us walk like we'd just been on the tea cups at disney world... and looking like it too! As we got older traditions changed... my Uncle Bob did his own BBQ with fireworks and we joined. But it was NOT the 4th if I wasn't with Uncle Tim and the kids. And this year... I won't be with him... or his kids. So it is a bittersweet day, full of memories made and new ones to be made I'm sure. We'll still BBQ and Uncle Bob will still try his hardest to set all the houses on fire in the neighborhood with his crazy fireworks. I'm in all red/white/blue with crazy nails and blue streaks in my hair, but kiki isn't with me. I have years of joy to ponder and an incredible family waiting just a little ways down the road for me. Yet all day, every second, i will want to cry b/c I miss my Uncle Tim so deeply. There have been 4th of July's I dared go somewhere else to see friends... and the year I did it was a mess and I called him crying (long story) and I remember him saying "baby, get in your car and come back... come back baby and it'll all be okay". And it was, I went back and he was still there, arms open to make everything better. But today, as much as I will yearn for those open arms they won't be there... but he will be on my mind every second. I will laugh and play and enjoy the AMAZING family I have, my cousin Chris is here which makes me so happy, but it will be bittersweet indeed.

I love you uncle tim.

[Family]

There is something about my family. When I am hurting... I want my family. When I am scared... I want my family. When I am confused, upset, lonely... I want my family. When I just want to laugh, be myself and not worry about a thing... I go to my family. When I want to see a good ole game of toss ... played with a small child... it's family!! (lol) I have had good friends throughout the years and I am thankful for them. But it's not quite the same. They haven't known me as long, and I haven't invested in those relationships in the same way. Not to be mean... but there is just something about family and the comfort it brings. My best friend has become family and I am so thankful for that. He is there along with all my cousins, my mom, aunts, uncles, grandparents etc and spending time in any of these places is where my heart is at home. Thank you Jesus for family.

And right now. I just want family.

[He'sHOME!]

He's home, he's home, he's home. And I am such a happy girl.

Me and (the cuz) Rach

Me and Jimha's girlfriend Christina :)

I LOVE dancing...we were such goofs out there ;)

The girls!!!

"go this way"

Me and M (Jrod & M came for a bit!)

Me and Jimha!! SO glad he's home.

Jrod and M - not much of the line dancing type! ;) But they did try earlier!

[BackwardsRain]

"There's no gravity up here

It's kinda hard to explain

Everytime... it's like backwards rain"

Jimha came home and surprised me last Sunday and ever since then I feel like i've been living in a dream world. One too wonderful and sweet and fun to be real. Having him home has been a blast!! I got to take him to one of my favorite hang out places and met his girlfriend last week. We had a blast goofin off, dancing and telling old stories =) I even enjoyed the moment I was sure we were gonna get kicked out when he went off on the creepy guys around our table - but i felt so protected and that was amazing. I usually have to fend for myself and it gets old but I know whenever I'm with Jimmy I'll be fine.

I spent Friday night at a BBQ at my Uncles and minus the "war stories" again...had a blast. Then I went away for the weekend and it was fantastic. I got to run around and play and also just chill and relax. I went Kayaking for the first time and I also got addicted to the series "Lost"...yeah, i'm already looking into downloading them from ITunes to keep working my way through the season. Oh and I also won Home Run Derby...wahoo!

I'm really trying to get better at balancing my life...work and relaxing...and the past 10 days have been pretty close to perfect. There was so much more then written here but I want to make a note of this fantastic time and really soak it all up. I'm almost scared to move a muscle b/c i don't want it to end. Although Jimha leaves Sunday so in part I know for a fact it will end. But I'm going to enjoy and cherish every last second of this amazing time God is giving me, and just pray He gives me more =)

[MidTour]

"That's something to be proud of

That's a life you can hang your hat on

That's a chin held high as the tears fall down

A gut sucked in, a chest stuck out

Like a small town flag a-flyin'

Or a newborn baby cryin'

In the arms of the woman that you love

That's something to be proud of"

My weekend was a complete blur...i'm actually really bad about that. I pack so many things into my weekend, and stay out so late, that it all runs together and i don't remember half of it. I'm notorious for falling asleep at friends houses too!! And this weekend didn't disappoint...i ran from Friday to Sunday but i will tell you I will never forget this afternoon.

I pulled into the parking lot of my church (and work) where my mom had asked me to meet her and saw my cousin Rachel's car...and I knew at that moment...Jimmy was inside. He was due home this weekend and I've been a basket case waiting to see him. As I flew out of my car and ran to the front door i just kept saying to myself "don't fall, don't fall"!! I got to the front doors to find them locked and thought i was gonna burst....I knocked and knocked and then there he was. Sneaking around the corner and opening the door and as i put my arms around him I thought my heart was going to explode right there. I was shaking head to foot as he stood there smiling ear to ear at me. He's absolutely adorable and I didn't know what to do with myself standing there...it was finally here and he's finally home....for 2 weeks at least. To see him standing in front of me...it was like a dream. But he's been through so much and it's in his eyes, in the very tone of his voice. And he has to go back...but for now, he's here and although the tears fell fast, the joy was overwhelming at the same moment.

They couldn't stay long but he knew I was dying to see him, to HUG him again and again. I'm so proud of him, I love him more then words and I just wish he was home for good. The more he shared about what he's been through the more my heart tore just a little more. He's so young to be at war but he's also so determined. He knows it's where he needs to be right now and he's going to do the best darn job he possibly can. And for this week, he's going to rest and just be loved on. And i'm going to do the best darn job at that I can.

I meet his girlfriend this week too. They're so in love and it's a little weird. I don't want to share him...but i guess it's not about me huh?? ;)

[Iraq3]

Here's another update on my cousin. It's good to read from someone over there. Helps to remember and not just go about our days so ho-hum when our troops are risking their lives half way around the world.

WELL WHAT'S UP AGAIN! I'M GETTING MUCH BETTER AT SENDING AN EMAIL OUT MORE FREQUENTLY IF I DO SAY SO MYSELF. GO AHEAD, GIVE ME CREDIT....SERIOUSLY.......I'M WAITING....
I AM DOING WELL THOUGH, AND PLEASE DON'T TAKE MY HUMOR AS A SIGN I'M GOING NUTS, I AM FAAAR FROM IT, YOU JUST GOTTA FIND THE "BRIGHTER SIDE" AND THE HUMOR IN ALL SITUATIONS NO MATTER WHAT.
NOT MUCH TO REPORT. THERE IS A GROUP ORGANIZED IN IRAQ TO PROTECT THE OIL PIPELINES. THEY ARE KNOWN AS THE OPM
(OIL PROTECTION MINISTRY). IT'S BEEN SAID THEY GUARD THE PIPELINES DURING THE DAY AND PLACE IED'S AT NIGHT. EITHER WAY, THEY ALL CARRY AK47'S AND LIE LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW TO PROTECT VALID INSURGENTS WITHIN THEIR RANKS. MY FAVORITE
PAST TIME HAS BECOME VISITING THE OPM HEADQUARTERS.
YESTERDAY THEY HAD LIED TO ME ABOUT WHERE ONE OF THE GUYS WE WERE LOOKING FOR WAS SO WE HAD TO "PRESS IN" AND TRY TO BREAK THEM. THE VERY NEXT DAY WE CAME BACK AND ASKED THEM SOME MORE ABOUT HIM AND THROUGH MY VERY VERY VERY "INTUITIVE NATURE" ASSUMED THEY WERE LYING AGAIN....AND AGAIN SPEANT TIME "PRESSING" THEM TO GIVE US THE INFORMATION I WANTED. OF COURSE, THEY ALL CARRY WEAPONS SO WHEN WE ROLL UP I USALLY WILL RUN THE BRADLEY STRAIGHT INTO THE COURTYARD WALL AND HAVE A BIG GUN LOOKING OVER THE 4 FOOT WALL FOR INTIMADATION IN CASE THEY EVER WANTED TO FIGHT BACK. IT'S GOTTEN HILLARIOUS B/C YOU SHOULD SEE THE NUMBER OF CARS HAULING A$$ OUT OF THE PARKING
LOT WHEN THEY SEE US COME AROUND THE BEND OF THE ROAD...WE'VE BECOME FAMOUS THROUGHOUT MY SQUADRON FOR OUR ENCOURAGEMENT" OF THEIR COOPERATION.
OTHERWISE, THINGS ARE GOING WELL HERE. STARTING TO WARM UP AND I REALLY REALLY AM NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT...

That's about it. He's so busy and it's unreal to picture him in these scenarios. He's just plugging away trying to complete his missions successfully. Keep praying please.

[Iraq2]

For those of you who ask how my cousin is here is an update...i'm so proud of this man.

As i 'm sure a lot of you heard, we had an apache shot down right outside ******** and as a result, they shut down all communications going out from camp taji to the rest of the world to make sure the news got out through "official channels". yeah, that's funny b/c i was at the crash site providing security that day b/c we were called out on QRF (quick reaction force) and that very night while i went to the gym, the tv was on CNN blasting the coverage of the apache that was shot down by insurgents. They just need to accept they can't control it all i guess. Otherwise, life is alright here. i'm very worn out. we pretty much have a day off every couple days and sometimes that just comes out to be a few hours even, so enjoy your weekends schmucks!

The hard part about this whole fight...you never know who the bad guys are. you get a gut feel when you run into them, but what can you do if you don't find anything on them? You'll go for days without (anything) happening, and then boom, we have a day like the one with the apache where an apache gets shot down, a couple car bombs go off in baghdad, and a tank commander gets shot by a sniper on the perimeter around the crash site. makes it hard to keep your guys on their toes.

What i do want to say though is don't ever ever take for granted what we've got back in the US. I thought i never did till i came here and realized that i took for granted so much there back at home. These jokers back in the states that think that we are all screwed up need to be sent over here, strapped into a truck with some body armor and drive by a few IED's and look at the standards of living that these people live in and SEE if they don't go back to the states, kiss the ground they walk on and thank God every damn day for what an incredible and fortunate country he is undeservingly privileged to live in. Just wait for some hippie to call me a "baby killer" or debate me on the war and talk trash about our country when i get home..he'll kiss the ground too...conscious or unconscious..his choice. I know after all of this, i will go home and not take a moment for granted living in a country where people from here can only stare wide eyed at you when you tel them about it and not believe that such a place exists. Ok, i'm off my soap box. : )

I'm so very proud of him. I think this says it all. We do need to really be thankful for what we have and remember that these men and women are defending OUR COUNTRY. It's not just about a new government system there...it's about that b/c we were attacked and we want to ensure, as best as can be, that it doesn't happen again. And agree or disagree...our troops our there, they're fighting and they need our support and prayers. Okay, now i'm off my soap box...runs in the family i guess!

[Up]

I think i'm finally getting up! I felt like myself again for the first time in so long yesterday...all day. I've had little moments like this but this is different. The weekend was great: the Skins won Saturday, we had a little 'blip on the radar' but after i (as the little sis put it) "let Niagara Falls out of my mouth" with the her i felt much better...well, her throwing a laundry at me and saying "what God has to be will be!!...so just live and trust Him!" helped too. Nothing like a wake up call from your little sis, thankfully mine rocks and that's exactly why i went to see her...i knew i needed her.

Then I continued my night with my fam having a ton of fun. yesterday was awesome too!! i drug my butt out of bed to go to church on only 4 hours of sleep after staying up too late (watching a terrible movie) with my little sis (but anytime with her is worth it). And yesterday i spent the afternoon with 2 friends and had a blast! They're newly engaged and so sweet. Our time was fun, full of laughter and honesty and the deep things of the Lord. I love these kinds of dynamics. I LOVE to laugh and have fun but i also love to go deep and connect with those i care about.

I think i really got it when last night with another friend i was bouncing around, totally typical of me, and he kept asking what was up. Not in a bad way, but a good way....like he was pleased to see me like this. And in fact he said just that during the evening after i told him for the 10th time "i'm in a great mood!" and he replied sweetly "i know, it's so nice to see you like this again". Yes indeed. I felt like myself last night...goofy, silly, deep and loving the moments God was giving me. It was not an earth shattering weekend...football, family, church, lunch with friends, cleaning and ironing...and actually another terrible movie last night (hmmmm) but what was different was me. I'm just sitting here thinking about this and thought an upbeat blog was in order. And hopefully they'll be more to come!

What will this week hold? What will the outcome be? I don't know. But i think i'm going to be okay. I think i'm on my feet and steady enough (thanks to God) to be okay. And i hope for the future. YES, i hope again!!

[Iraq]

My cousin (who i love dearly) just went to Iraq 4 weeks ago. For the first 2 he was in Kuwait where he was pretty safe, but 3 nights ago he headed to "somewhere i can't say" Iraq. He's just the kind of guy you'd want serving in our military. He's a strong man, a strong leader and fiercely passionate. I didn't want to part with him, I need him around to talk to and laugh with. His sister and him are so close and she needs him, his dad just go re-married. I struggled with the whys for quite a while. And it's so scary. I was in my car the other night and the radio "dj" said, "this song goes out to all those oversees fighting for our country, and the family they leave behind" and i thought...hey, that's me.

We've heard from him a few times since he left. The first few times were pretty basic but now his mission is about to begin. He is leading 30 young men, as a 24 year old himself. It's pretty surreal that he's over there at war. I'm sitting on my bed with my laptop and he's over there fighting for our country and defending it's honor. I'm so proud of him but i miss him already. In his last email he wrote about the trip into Iraq. What he says really brings everything going on over there home and i thought i'd share a little of it with you:

Well, i'm finally here in ****** *****. Lets just say it was definitely one of the most tense times in the last couple of days getting here. I've had about 3 hours of sleep in the last 40 and a lot still to do. We left kuwait and escorted in unarmored gun trucks a convoy of 30 tractor trailers hauling our tanks,
bradleys, etc.. We made several stops and made the final push late last night, early early this morning around 1 am into *******. In order to do this, we rode in the dark with NOD's (night vision) on and lights off through about the worst part of Baghdad (NW). The reports were coming in like crazy about convoys
getting hit with IED's, RPG's, and small arms fire before we rolled through so we were basically counting on contact. I was the second vehicle in the convoy that stretched about 4 miles long, and let me tell ya, you'll learn to pray real hard when you're staring into the dark when one of the tractor trailers has to
stop to fix a flat on the outskirts of baghdad waiting to see tracer rounds whip by your vehicle.

He's quite a guy and really has a way of lightening the mood with humor so i normally laugh and cry all in the same breath while reading his emails...but this last one was certainly more serious. In his last one he was joking about the fact he didn't think he'd even make it to base with the way they drive over there.

I know different people feel different ways about the war. Would i prefer my cousin to be tucked away safely somewhere here in the states? Heck yeah. But at the same time there is no way what happened to our country in 2001 can go un-responded to. We are not as safe here as we believed we were. Our country will never be the same. And my cousin, and many other men and women, are fighting for our safety, the lives of those that were lost on 9/11 and for freedom over there. I trust my President and more than that I trust God in him. Something I wasn't able to say for many years before Bush became President. So please pray for our troops.

Please remember them and their families. Please remember the families of those who were lost in 9/11. And please pray for our President and our military whatever your stand is on this war. These men and women are over there for us, but we have a part to play too. I'll post more updates about my cousin i'm sure. He's always on my mind.

[Family]

What do you think about when someone says family?? what pops into your head? i spent this last weekend with mine. i hate how busy i am but i determined to clear my schedule and get down there after my recent conversation with my 9 year old 'cousin' (more like little bro) and a slight family emergency last weekend. so when i got back from the women's conference i attended fri/sat i packed up and headed down.

chinese food,
an 11PM movie run with 'my baby',
ice cream, swedish fish and peanut butter m 'n m's,
staying up far too late,
then sleeping very little with a 9 year old sleep across my legs
and a 14 year old snoring next to me,
bad instant coffee to wake me up
catching up with the 'sis'
and a lazy sunday curled up in my favorite blanket.
it was perfect.

i love my family more then air. i really do. maybe it's the familiarity, maybe it's being totally me, maybe it's unloading my heart and walking away filled with love, maybe it's feeling like a kid again all sleeping in the same room, maybe it's the reminiscing over old stories, or maybe it's the sharing our deepest dreams about the future. i dunno, i think it's all of that and a whole lot more. we laid there on saturday night all in the same room in the basement freezing...talking about how old we'll have to get before we don't all sleep in the same room when we're all home...we decided never. our future husbands and wives will just have to deal, it's tradition =) and it's just how we like it. that's love, humble love for one another that we want to spend every second together. why is it that the important, the fulfilling things in life are the first things that get squeezed out of our schedule? perhaps it's because we live in a tyranny of the urgent. and because these people love us, they'll never be another thing screaming for our attention and they quietly wait for us to make room.

[Missing]

I have four "cousins" but they're more my siblings. they always have been to me. they only live 20 minutes away but i find it so hard to get there to see them. it was so much easier when i was younger...just go over after class or on the weekends to hang out. they lived closer then too. but now it's so darn hard to get there and i miss them if i go a few weeks without seeing them. being with them is like home, i'm just me...playing, catching up, watching TV with the kids...whatever. the youngest is 9. he caught me online this morning. i wish i could get up right now and drive down there.

s.m (10:17:38 AM): when are u coming to vist i miss u
m.a (10:18:32 AM): i miss you too, so much.
m.a (10:18:43 AM): i hope soon.
s.m (10:19:08 AM): me to

i love them and boy do i miss them.