[melt]

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word,

a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring,

all of which have the potential to turn a life around.”

I love that feeling when something or someone makes you melt inside. I am a total sap I know, and I'm totally okay with that! I just had one of those moments that kinda took my breath away and melted me inside and it's such a glorious feeling! I never want those moments to end... I pray for more of them. Having my baby cousin look at me with his big sparkling brown eyes call me "Aunt Sells", laughing with my family till my sides hurt and then just stopping and looking around at everyone beaming with joy, being around that person who smiles at you and makes your heart beat a little faster... it makes me melt inside. It makes me smile like nothing else. It is one of the sweetest and greatest blessings God gives me in my life. I know people who can walk through life, walk through those moments, unchanged. Perhaps they laugh, or smile, but they don't let it get to them inside. And it's a shame... yes, you open yourself up to pain. Yes, it hurts if that person ever leaves or you but I personally couldn't imagine not allowing those precious moments to slip past me. I've had a lot of pain in my life, but I have beautiful, sweet memories that are deep in my heart. And there are people you have to be careful around - there are people that aren't the ones that bring you those sweet moments of joy. It's wisdom to know who those people are and watch out for it. But don't close yourself off from it all. I could choose to not take the risk, to live my life closed to everything to protect myself because I have experienced such deep levels of pain or I can choose joy - choose to live every day like it's my last and trust God with the rest. It's a fight, a fight for joy at times, but it's always worth the fight. And in moments where I experience that melting feeling deep inside - I am thankful.

Sometimes you even know it's going to end when that moment comes... you're standing there smiling, loving the joy in your heart, but knowing there is no security. The person may leave, family will have to go back home, life will bring changes, but you learn to cherish the time you have. It's bittersweet. You stand there, take a deep breath, taking in the fullness of the moment with a hint of tears behind your eyes. You whisper inside to the Lord to not let it slip away. But you let it bring deep joy, and a smile that lasts the rest of the day, and ignore that sinking feeling it may end. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. But God will bring more, if you let it touch you.

And I choose to let it touch me deep inside.

[trust]

I was thinking today about relationships and trust. More specifically trust lost. There are people who break your trust, and although it may hurt, it is kinda "sera sera" after the sting passes. It may be someone that wasn't an intricate part of your life, or someone who wounded you so deeply they killed the care.

Then there are those people where the memories are still stronger than the moment of trust lost. The relationship once had eventually begins to again outweigh the wound that was dealt. But in your heart you know you cannot trust them again. Maybe they haven't asked to reconcile the situation, maybe it's repetition, maybe it's continued behavior. Whatever the reason, you know they aren't able to be trusted again as they were before ... and it hurts. You long for what you once had, you wish for the moments of deep connection, carefree laughter, or just understanding among friends. Someone's I've found it's turned into a real internal struggle. Oftentimes it's brought on by loneliness as those are the times the holes and scars left are most noticeable. How many songs after all are written with lines like, "Reachin' for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore"? Let's just say .... lots. It seems we humans have a hard time keeping relationships in tact for one reason or another, and most often have an even harder time trying to figure out what to do about it.

I was just thinking how hard it is when those who you no longer trust are still deep in your heart ... especially when the person is still in your life and you experience a moment with them that reminds you of what has been lost. Just random musings this evening...

[smile]

Live Simply, Love Deeply, Laugh Often

Oh how I LOVE to smile. And I love those that make me smile! Recently I've had a few new reasons to smile and it's just so fun. I love those things that make me feel so alive, make me feel renewed passion to take on those things I've always wanted to... I love that welling up inside you that comes from just excitement. The way a smile just sneaks up on you and you don't even realize you're smiling till someone says, "what's that smile for?". I'm learning to live in the moment, wisely, but still live in the moment and just enjoy it. Really thankful for the little blessings God is sending along in the midst of a very tiring time of life (just so much going on). In spite of it all ... I find myself smiling a lot lately. And I hope it sticks around for a while :)

[noidea]

This post may seem sad, I can tell even before I write where my thoughts are headed, but it's just that kinda day. Everyone has them, today is mine. I am confused beyond belief. I feel like my heart is being pulled piece by piece from inside me...each piece telling a different story. Each moment I waiver and I don't know how to put this puzzle together. Part of me so desperately wishes for someone to sit down and look at the pieces and help me understand what the picture developing means. Someone to help me understand if it's the right puzzle for me and why I feel the way I do about it. But part of me fears so deeply... fears that I am too much. I pulled out my copy of Captivating this morning to read through again... it speaks so deeply to me. It speaks of how God has created us, how we tick, and how He responds to us. I'm hoping that will help me fight the "not good enough" but always "too much" mentality. Truth to fight the lies. And yet, I am still left with the confusion.

How often a woman's thoughts are a domino effect. I am confused... I am too much because I can't handle it and am confused... I'm not good enough because I am too much... I am scared to voice my confusion because then people will think I'm weak... or think i'm just drama filled... I don't want to make more of this than it is... how do i convey that... i just need help... is that ok... I wish I had someone to help me through this... loneliness... maybe I'm lonely because I really am too much... I wonder if I had a 'boy' in my life if he'd be able to help me... I wish Uncle Tim was here to listen to me, his hugs made the world feel like a safe place again... I miss him so much. And after I type that... anyone who reads that will surely think you're too much. It's just the pattern of some girls thoughts. As you think on one thing it leads to another thought or questions which can trigger something else entirely. We care so deeply and love so whole heartedly but we also feel deeply and fear often. Fear is a sin and we must fight it with the tools God gives us by His strength... but it's still a fight.

So now I go back to pondering my confusion and these emotions that soar. I feel like I keep having these balls thrown at me and I just wish I could develop a swing that at least shot them all in the same general area of the field... but right now they're kinda all over... so it's time to go collect them and pray God shows me what's next.

[tonight]

We are reading a book in my small group that looks at loving the Lord with all our heart, mind, soul and strength. Tonight we are talking about loving God with our strength and how that looks...by using our strength to serve shows our love for Him. My small group leader said when he reads the chapters he thinks of various people in the group and with this one he thought of my brother and I. That is both humbling and convicting as I know my poor heart sometimes as it is selfish about "having" to be somewhere to do something. But at the same time I do love to serve and I feel incredibaly blessed and humbled to have someone think of me reading the chapter.

[aMoment]

As I sat here and did my devotions this morning, listening to Alison Krauss, I began to think about my time with the Lord. Today it's been a nice, long, extended time doing my Bible study - but what about those days it's hi and goodbye?

Have you ever looked forward to seeing someone? Perhaps you couldn't sleep the night before, perhaps you spent an extra long time getting ready (trying to look your best), perhaps you ran over the moment you'd see them and talk over and over in your head. And before you know it, the moment has come, then it's gone. It was hi and goodbye. So brief had you blinked you may have missed it. All the anticipation of that moment leading up to it concluded with a fly by "hey, nice to see ya" and you're left with that deep sinking feeling - disappointment. Maybe you weren't even expecting a long conversation but just a moment of "connection". A moment where you felt you connected with them and got a chance to just chat for a few minutes. But now your heart falls, you think of all the things you wanted to say, wanted to ask, but they were gone before you knew it. You wonder why they didn't 'want' to stop and chat with you, why they didn't want to see you and spend a few minutes with you. Instead it was 'hi and goodbye'. Got the picture?

Well, how about our time with the Lord. Do we do hit and run time with Him? "Hey, nice to know You're there, gotta run, peace out." Do we leave Him saying "I had so much to tell you, I wanted to hear from you and talk to you about your day yesterday and what's coming today. I wanted to spend a few minutes with you, tell you how much I care about you and send you along on your day." But all we gave Him was a chapter, or two, of reading and a quick "Dear God, please go before me today, amen." Like He isn't already going to be with us...that's not what it's about...it's about the relationship, the time WITH Him...the connection...listening to His voice and aligning our will to His will, our heart to His heart so we are ready for our day whatever it may hold. Yet after a night of watching over us, waiting for us to wake, bursting with so many things to tell us, we too give him a hi and goodbye. 

[Family]

There is something about my family. When I am hurting... I want my family. When I am scared... I want my family. When I am confused, upset, lonely... I want my family. When I just want to laugh, be myself and not worry about a thing... I go to my family. When I want to see a good ole game of toss ... played with a small child... it's family!! (lol) I have had good friends throughout the years and I am thankful for them. But it's not quite the same. They haven't known me as long, and I haven't invested in those relationships in the same way. Not to be mean... but there is just something about family and the comfort it brings. My best friend has become family and I am so thankful for that. He is there along with all my cousins, my mom, aunts, uncles, grandparents etc and spending time in any of these places is where my heart is at home. Thank you Jesus for family.

And right now. I just want family.

[Endings]

So I have a funny quirk about me. I hate to leave "things" on a bad note. I mean seriously HATE it. If i'm out with people and something bad happens i'll wait until it's better before I leave. If a conversation goes south over the phone i'll stay on until it gets back on the right note again. If i hang up with someone and it leaves me feeling sad I have the desire to call back and try again. I don't know where this came from but it's quite frankly annoying. I wish i could be the person that just walks away, says whatever and moves on. Hmmmm.