[FamilyChillin]

Spending some time in Richmond for the holidays! Seeing the fam, cuddling with lil Isaac man, playing games... loving life!!

Me and the little man!

Jarrod and Nate - Nate tends to make funny faces so Jarrod was just helping him out in the photo ;)

ADORABLE lil Isaac!!

Cranium turbo - puppeteer round - needless to say we laughed till we cried!

Sweet pups!!

[ChristmasEve]

(uncle tim on the floor, uncle rich, t-bo and me)

I almost made it. I've been keeping so busy that I've keep emotions at bay. And some of the truly exciting things that have happened have keep my spirits hight. But I felt like my skin was the only thing from keeping me from going everywhere all at once. And tonight, the waterfalls came. The emotions came flooding out and I'm left sitting here blogging on Christmas Eve.

Life is so different. And although I'm adjusting more each day somewhere deep inside it'll never feel "right". Losing people you love can never feel right. And whether you won't see them until heaven, or they're still here but distant from you, there's always a part of you that has a hole. Pictures that brought joy now bring tears. Christmas shopping feels empty when you're not shopping for them. The thought you won't see them Christmas day looms in the back of your mind. And eventually, it pours out.

Maybe it's all these silly sappy Christmas movies I've been watching. They leave me feeling lonely, wondering what God has for me. Then I wish I could talk to Uncle Tim, then I miss his kids, then I start thinking how much life changed over the past couple years, then tears....well, to be honest the tears came a few "thens" ago. There are great blessings too and I am so grateful for them. We have two great grandchildren I just blogged about a few weeks back. My best friend had a sweet little boy this year. I love my family, I love my friends. I love making new friends and I really love the comfort and understanding of old friends. I was reminded of this over the weekend as we had a few of the "used to be high school students" play in the band for an event at church. It took me back a few years and I found myself so thankful I still had the opportunity to run sound for my friend. To get to see how far things have come. To have watched so much take place through the years. I love that "knowing" of old friends. All the memories shared. The "remember that guy", "remember that day on the playground", "remember that trip".... I love to remember with old friends and celebrate the journey with them. I know I have so many blessings.

I kinda feel like I just wrote a psalm...but much more poorly written ;) It started so sad, but has ended focused on what I do have. Thank you Jesus for the gifts I have. Thank you Jesus for being the greatest gift ever. Thank you for giving me the greatest gift ever - adoption - being your daughter. Thank you for coming to this broken world to restore us to You.

[Vent]

It's almost Christmas. And it's been so busy. I've been working as much as I can, not knowing how the economy will affect my job in 2009. Plus of course Christmas shopping, seeing friends, and keeping up with life. All the while that ache has been burning deep in me. I love Christmas. The decorations, the excitement, the "little" bit of unity I feel in this broken world as one stranger wishes another "merry christmas" in a store, or after a conversation while in a line. Sure, it's not all kindness...boy can people get crabby...but I tend to try and focus on the bright side. The joy and love you find at this time of year. I don't go to the mall much, I don't usually find it there ;) but just going through life I look for it...it makes me smile. And then the ache reminds me of someone, well multiple someones, who I love who aren't in my life. Of course my Uncle Tim is with Jesus now and I miss him so deeply. There is so much I want to tell him.
Like how the other night we had over 600 people at the EoW Spectacular!! And how even though the night started a little rough, I stood in the bathroom early on in the evening trying to pull myself together and I could hear him saying, "baby, you have a choice. you can let this ruin your night and regret it later, or you can choose to accept it and make the best of it. you can choose to still enjoy this night in spite of frustration and hurt feelings. baby, it's always a choice". And I made the choice to enjoy it. And oh how glad I am - it was amazing. I loved every minute of running sound, and just kept looking around at that room full of people, so excited for my friend who'd worked so hard to make that night happen. And Uncle Tim was right. At the end of the night as my friend and I talked about how amazing it was - I was so glad I'd chosen to make the best of it, and it exceeded my expectations in everyway. It is a night that will make me smile for a while. And oh how Uncle Tim would have loved it.
There is so much I want to tell him, so much I have to ask him. I miss him. I miss his kids more than words could express. I have hundreds of pictures that make me laugh, and remember beautiful memories. And that makes me sad - that we're not making more. My family is still beyond wonderful. I love all of them. But we're missing people who make us whole and that's hard.

So I'll keep going through the week. I have lots to do and more events to run sound for. A big family dinner on Christmas and hopefully a trip to Richmond. But it's hard and I just needed to vent. Christmas is once again, so bittersweet.

[LittleOnes]

Kailee Brooke Harris

(great granddaughter #1)

Isaac Timothy Ryan

(great grandson #1)

Well, it's the holidays again and only one word can describe it - "bittersweet". I have an amazing family and we love each other deeply, inspite of our many downfalls, and I love Christmas. But, I miss my Uncle beyond words - and his kids. There is a hole in our family where they belong. I have to trust the Lord more than I could express for His redeeming hand to touch this situation in His time. I have to go through the holidays without hearing Uncle Tim yell "HAPPY Ramahanaquazamas!!!" although I hear him say it perfectly in my head. And I walk with a "limp" after many painful experiences over the past few years.

THEN, I think of these little faces. Two little people who have joined our family and bring so much joy. Hearing stories about them grow, seeing pictures, and my favorite - seeing them in person and playing with them - is such a highlight for me. God allowed pain, but also has brough sweet blessings. I remember my Uncle telling me to be thankful on the Thankgiving right after his diagnosis. I could barely take it in that HE was telling me that! But he was so right. It's a choice to be thankful, and to love, and to make memories. So that is what we're doing. It's a bittersweet holiday season, but it's one full of choices and by God's grace and wisdom I hope to make choices that would make Uncle Tim proud and bring glory to God.