[vacation]

[AMAZING VACATION | AMAZING FAMILY | AMAZING FRIENDS]

What an incredible week with family, friends, puppy and an awesome beach house :) From start to finish this vacation was totally the Lord... from how we ended up with our house, to the beach we ended up at, to the people who came, to the way the week ended with more family just a few miles down the road ... God indeed blessed us!!

[discovery]

My mom said the other day that she thinks the reason I've been able to maintain the crazy schedule I've come to know is I feel like a team on this project I've been working on. She's right. I never really thought about that. At my job I rarely, if ever feel that way and I think that's why it just doesn't click for me. Yet working on this project this summer I've been living in my "sweet spot"... working with people who are all teamed together, with a common mission, moving forward with different responsibilities but never hesitating to help someone else. I've felt a little like a burden at times, well a lot, as I have had so many questions and have needed help on quite a few things but don't always feel like I'm able to return the favor to those who are there for me. I like helping people, I do like being a part of a team, and it's coming to a close.

This morning as the first service in the building went off I had this internal battle going on that made me want to crawl out of my own skin. Half of me wanted to jump up and down yelling WE DID IT, and the other half wanted to burst into tears because i don't want it to end. I have LOVED every minute of this job. I've loved helping my brother, I've loved having this goal that I work towards, I love trouble shooting problems and finding solutions that make other's jobs easier, I loved the whole journey.

[team]

My mom said the other day that she thinks the reason I've been able to maintain the crazy schedule I've come to know is I feel like a team on this project I've been working on. She's right. I never really thought about that. At my job I rarely, if ever feel that way and I think that's why it just doesn't click for me. Yet working on this project this summer I've been living in my "sweet spot"... working with people who are all teamed together, with a common mission, moving forward with different responsibilities but never hesitating to help someone else. I've felt a little like a burden at times, well a lot, as I have had so many questions and have needed help on quite a few things but don't always feel like I'm able to return the favor to those who are there for me. I like helping people, I do like being a part of a team, and it's coming to a close.

This morning as the first service in the building went off I had this internal battle going on that made me want to crawl out of my own skin. Half of me wanted to jump up and down yelling WE DID IT, and the other half wanted to burst into tears because i don't want it to end. I have LOVED every minute of this job. I've loved helping my brother, I've loved having this goal that I work towards, I love trouble shooting problems and finding solutions that make other's jobs easier, I loved the whole journey.

[melt]

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word,

a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring,

all of which have the potential to turn a life around.”

I love that feeling when something or someone makes you melt inside. I am a total sap I know, and I'm totally okay with that! I just had one of those moments that kinda took my breath away and melted me inside and it's such a glorious feeling! I never want those moments to end... I pray for more of them. Having my baby cousin look at me with his big sparkling brown eyes call me "Aunt Sells", laughing with my family till my sides hurt and then just stopping and looking around at everyone beaming with joy, being around that person who smiles at you and makes your heart beat a little faster... it makes me melt inside. It makes me smile like nothing else. It is one of the sweetest and greatest blessings God gives me in my life. I know people who can walk through life, walk through those moments, unchanged. Perhaps they laugh, or smile, but they don't let it get to them inside. And it's a shame... yes, you open yourself up to pain. Yes, it hurts if that person ever leaves or you but I personally couldn't imagine not allowing those precious moments to slip past me. I've had a lot of pain in my life, but I have beautiful, sweet memories that are deep in my heart. And there are people you have to be careful around - there are people that aren't the ones that bring you those sweet moments of joy. It's wisdom to know who those people are and watch out for it. But don't close yourself off from it all. I could choose to not take the risk, to live my life closed to everything to protect myself because I have experienced such deep levels of pain or I can choose joy - choose to live every day like it's my last and trust God with the rest. It's a fight, a fight for joy at times, but it's always worth the fight. And in moments where I experience that melting feeling deep inside - I am thankful.

Sometimes you even know it's going to end when that moment comes... you're standing there smiling, loving the joy in your heart, but knowing there is no security. The person may leave, family will have to go back home, life will bring changes, but you learn to cherish the time you have. It's bittersweet. You stand there, take a deep breath, taking in the fullness of the moment with a hint of tears behind your eyes. You whisper inside to the Lord to not let it slip away. But you let it bring deep joy, and a smile that lasts the rest of the day, and ignore that sinking feeling it may end. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. But God will bring more, if you let it touch you.

And I choose to let it touch me deep inside.

[dream]

"Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?

I could really use a wish right now... wish right now... wish right now......"

Ever met someone who had a wild hope or secret dream that came true. They'll say "I _____, and then it just happened!". They'll tell some outlandish story of how it was impossible but then it all changed... all the pieces fell into place and now they have this incredible story of how you shouldn't let go of your hopes. The job they wanted miraculously came available b/c someone's husband got transfered and the person who had their dream job had to quit. They met the girl/guy of their dreams and 3 weeks later they ended up on the same contract. Some random moment led them to meet their future spouse, future boss, bff... whatev. The list could go on and on of the stories I've heard. They give this little sigh and say, "and then........". It all works out. So how do you get to be one of those people?

[trust]

I was thinking today about relationships and trust. More specifically trust lost. There are people who break your trust, and although it may hurt, it is kinda "sera sera" after the sting passes. It may be someone that wasn't an intricate part of your life, or someone who wounded you so deeply they killed the care.

Then there are those people where the memories are still stronger than the moment of trust lost. The relationship once had eventually begins to again outweigh the wound that was dealt. But in your heart you know you cannot trust them again. Maybe they haven't asked to reconcile the situation, maybe it's repetition, maybe it's continued behavior. Whatever the reason, you know they aren't able to be trusted again as they were before ... and it hurts. You long for what you once had, you wish for the moments of deep connection, carefree laughter, or just understanding among friends. Someone's I've found it's turned into a real internal struggle. Oftentimes it's brought on by loneliness as those are the times the holes and scars left are most noticeable. How many songs after all are written with lines like, "Reachin' for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore"? Let's just say .... lots. It seems we humans have a hard time keeping relationships in tact for one reason or another, and most often have an even harder time trying to figure out what to do about it.

I was just thinking how hard it is when those who you no longer trust are still deep in your heart ... especially when the person is still in your life and you experience a moment with them that reminds you of what has been lost. Just random musings this evening...

[wounds.vrs.pride]

"You must accept that you might fail; then, if you do your best and still don't win, at least you can be satisfied that you've tried. If you don't accept failure as a possibility, you don't set high goals, you don't branch out, you don't try - you don't take the risk." Rosalynn Carter

Now if only I could really live this. I am so scared of rejection I often don't take risk and am left only with regret and the nagging wonder of what could have been. Now it's not that I'm just a baby - I have taken risk in areas that have been deeply wounding. They've left scares on my heart that have taken a long time to heal and I think I'm a bit hesitant now. I also ponder often how much of it is pride. Is it just pride someone might not want me if I let them know how much I care about them? Is it pride that keeps me from letting the boy who makes me smile know he makes smile because it would wound my pride to find out he's just not interested? Is that really the worst that could happen... he/they don't want me? So I move on. But it isn't that simple... it hurts. And depending on the level of care - most deeply at times. So I continue to work on not being afraid to fail, to be rejected, but it is a process... and as Plato said: "Never discourage anyone who continually makes progress, no matter how slow". Thanks Plato.

"I will keep a smile on my face and in my heart even when it hurts today" Og Mandino

[3years]

I miss him.

[smile]

Live Simply, Love Deeply, Laugh Often

Oh how I LOVE to smile. And I love those that make me smile! Recently I've had a few new reasons to smile and it's just so fun. I love those things that make me feel so alive, make me feel renewed passion to take on those things I've always wanted to... I love that welling up inside you that comes from just excitement. The way a smile just sneaks up on you and you don't even realize you're smiling till someone says, "what's that smile for?". I'm learning to live in the moment, wisely, but still live in the moment and just enjoy it. Really thankful for the little blessings God is sending along in the midst of a very tiring time of life (just so much going on). In spite of it all ... I find myself smiling a lot lately. And I hope it sticks around for a while :)

[noidea]

This post may seem sad, I can tell even before I write where my thoughts are headed, but it's just that kinda day. Everyone has them, today is mine. I am confused beyond belief. I feel like my heart is being pulled piece by piece from inside me...each piece telling a different story. Each moment I waiver and I don't know how to put this puzzle together. Part of me so desperately wishes for someone to sit down and look at the pieces and help me understand what the picture developing means. Someone to help me understand if it's the right puzzle for me and why I feel the way I do about it. But part of me fears so deeply... fears that I am too much. I pulled out my copy of Captivating this morning to read through again... it speaks so deeply to me. It speaks of how God has created us, how we tick, and how He responds to us. I'm hoping that will help me fight the "not good enough" but always "too much" mentality. Truth to fight the lies. And yet, I am still left with the confusion.

How often a woman's thoughts are a domino effect. I am confused... I am too much because I can't handle it and am confused... I'm not good enough because I am too much... I am scared to voice my confusion because then people will think I'm weak... or think i'm just drama filled... I don't want to make more of this than it is... how do i convey that... i just need help... is that ok... I wish I had someone to help me through this... loneliness... maybe I'm lonely because I really am too much... I wonder if I had a 'boy' in my life if he'd be able to help me... I wish Uncle Tim was here to listen to me, his hugs made the world feel like a safe place again... I miss him so much. And after I type that... anyone who reads that will surely think you're too much. It's just the pattern of some girls thoughts. As you think on one thing it leads to another thought or questions which can trigger something else entirely. We care so deeply and love so whole heartedly but we also feel deeply and fear often. Fear is a sin and we must fight it with the tools God gives us by His strength... but it's still a fight.

So now I go back to pondering my confusion and these emotions that soar. I feel like I keep having these balls thrown at me and I just wish I could develop a swing that at least shot them all in the same general area of the field... but right now they're kinda all over... so it's time to go collect them and pray God shows me what's next.

[tonight]

We are reading a book in my small group that looks at loving the Lord with all our heart, mind, soul and strength. Tonight we are talking about loving God with our strength and how that looks...by using our strength to serve shows our love for Him. My small group leader said when he reads the chapters he thinks of various people in the group and with this one he thought of my brother and I. That is both humbling and convicting as I know my poor heart sometimes as it is selfish about "having" to be somewhere to do something. But at the same time I do love to serve and I feel incredibaly blessed and humbled to have someone think of me reading the chapter.