[FamilyChillin]

Spending some time in Richmond for the holidays! Seeing the fam, cuddling with lil Isaac man, playing games... loving life!!

Me and the little man!

Jarrod and Nate - Nate tends to make funny faces so Jarrod was just helping him out in the photo ;)

ADORABLE lil Isaac!!

Cranium turbo - puppeteer round - needless to say we laughed till we cried!

Sweet pups!!

[ChristmasEve]

(uncle tim on the floor, uncle rich, t-bo and me)

I almost made it. I've been keeping so busy that I've keep emotions at bay. And some of the truly exciting things that have happened have keep my spirits hight. But I felt like my skin was the only thing from keeping me from going everywhere all at once. And tonight, the waterfalls came. The emotions came flooding out and I'm left sitting here blogging on Christmas Eve.

Life is so different. And although I'm adjusting more each day somewhere deep inside it'll never feel "right". Losing people you love can never feel right. And whether you won't see them until heaven, or they're still here but distant from you, there's always a part of you that has a hole. Pictures that brought joy now bring tears. Christmas shopping feels empty when you're not shopping for them. The thought you won't see them Christmas day looms in the back of your mind. And eventually, it pours out.

Maybe it's all these silly sappy Christmas movies I've been watching. They leave me feeling lonely, wondering what God has for me. Then I wish I could talk to Uncle Tim, then I miss his kids, then I start thinking how much life changed over the past couple years, then tears....well, to be honest the tears came a few "thens" ago. There are great blessings too and I am so grateful for them. We have two great grandchildren I just blogged about a few weeks back. My best friend had a sweet little boy this year. I love my family, I love my friends. I love making new friends and I really love the comfort and understanding of old friends. I was reminded of this over the weekend as we had a few of the "used to be high school students" play in the band for an event at church. It took me back a few years and I found myself so thankful I still had the opportunity to run sound for my friend. To get to see how far things have come. To have watched so much take place through the years. I love that "knowing" of old friends. All the memories shared. The "remember that guy", "remember that day on the playground", "remember that trip".... I love to remember with old friends and celebrate the journey with them. I know I have so many blessings.

I kinda feel like I just wrote a psalm...but much more poorly written ;) It started so sad, but has ended focused on what I do have. Thank you Jesus for the gifts I have. Thank you Jesus for being the greatest gift ever. Thank you for giving me the greatest gift ever - adoption - being your daughter. Thank you for coming to this broken world to restore us to You.

[Vent]

It's almost Christmas. And it's been so busy. I've been working as much as I can, not knowing how the economy will affect my job in 2009. Plus of course Christmas shopping, seeing friends, and keeping up with life. All the while that ache has been burning deep in me. I love Christmas. The decorations, the excitement, the "little" bit of unity I feel in this broken world as one stranger wishes another "merry christmas" in a store, or after a conversation while in a line. Sure, it's not all kindness...boy can people get crabby...but I tend to try and focus on the bright side. The joy and love you find at this time of year. I don't go to the mall much, I don't usually find it there ;) but just going through life I look for it...it makes me smile. And then the ache reminds me of someone, well multiple someones, who I love who aren't in my life. Of course my Uncle Tim is with Jesus now and I miss him so deeply. There is so much I want to tell him.
Like how the other night we had over 600 people at the EoW Spectacular!! And how even though the night started a little rough, I stood in the bathroom early on in the evening trying to pull myself together and I could hear him saying, "baby, you have a choice. you can let this ruin your night and regret it later, or you can choose to accept it and make the best of it. you can choose to still enjoy this night in spite of frustration and hurt feelings. baby, it's always a choice". And I made the choice to enjoy it. And oh how glad I am - it was amazing. I loved every minute of running sound, and just kept looking around at that room full of people, so excited for my friend who'd worked so hard to make that night happen. And Uncle Tim was right. At the end of the night as my friend and I talked about how amazing it was - I was so glad I'd chosen to make the best of it, and it exceeded my expectations in everyway. It is a night that will make me smile for a while. And oh how Uncle Tim would have loved it.
There is so much I want to tell him, so much I have to ask him. I miss him. I miss his kids more than words could express. I have hundreds of pictures that make me laugh, and remember beautiful memories. And that makes me sad - that we're not making more. My family is still beyond wonderful. I love all of them. But we're missing people who make us whole and that's hard.

So I'll keep going through the week. I have lots to do and more events to run sound for. A big family dinner on Christmas and hopefully a trip to Richmond. But it's hard and I just needed to vent. Christmas is once again, so bittersweet.

[LittleOnes]

Kailee Brooke Harris

(great granddaughter #1)

Isaac Timothy Ryan

(great grandson #1)

Well, it's the holidays again and only one word can describe it - "bittersweet". I have an amazing family and we love each other deeply, inspite of our many downfalls, and I love Christmas. But, I miss my Uncle beyond words - and his kids. There is a hole in our family where they belong. I have to trust the Lord more than I could express for His redeeming hand to touch this situation in His time. I have to go through the holidays without hearing Uncle Tim yell "HAPPY Ramahanaquazamas!!!" although I hear him say it perfectly in my head. And I walk with a "limp" after many painful experiences over the past few years.

THEN, I think of these little faces. Two little people who have joined our family and bring so much joy. Hearing stories about them grow, seeing pictures, and my favorite - seeing them in person and playing with them - is such a highlight for me. God allowed pain, but also has brough sweet blessings. I remember my Uncle telling me to be thankful on the Thankgiving right after his diagnosis. I could barely take it in that HE was telling me that! But he was so right. It's a choice to be thankful, and to love, and to make memories. So that is what we're doing. It's a bittersweet holiday season, but it's one full of choices and by God's grace and wisdom I hope to make choices that would make Uncle Tim proud and bring glory to God.

Night in DC

Thanks to Charlie and Ben for a great night in DC!! Good food and a fun concert :)

Me, Joy and Carolyn at Good Eats in DC - awesome burgers and shakes!!

Katie and Kristin!

Ben and Kristin!

At the Justin McRoberts concert - SO hilarious and so good!

[Come]

Come, even though You're here
Free me, from the chains that bind
Break my heart, and mend me up again
Restore me, to the peace found in You
Comfort me, in this uncomfortable grace You bring
Open my eyes, take away the blindness to my blindness
Infuse me, with Yourself so no other can abide in me
Clear my mind, fill it only with Your truth
Heal me, bring rest to my soul
Rid me, of the fear that overwhelms me
Use me, to spread Your glory
Help me, to take another step
Lift up my head, when I focus on the foolishness of my sin
I want to see only You
I want to hear only You
I want to feel only You
I want You Jesus.

[OneYear]

It's been one year since Uncle Tim went home to be with Jesus. It feels like yesterday. I like to remember my family as we were. Like here in this picture. Uncle Tim holding Kiki, my mom, Uncle Jimmy, me with Aunt Liz, and T-bo when he was shorter than me! I miss those times. I don't want to remember things as they were when Uncle Tim was battling, although he was amaizng through it, but I want to remember my family when we were all together and so happy. I cherish those memories. And I miss Uncle Tim so very very deeply.

[July4th]

(a few of MANY pictures that were on my camera after I left it at my uncle tim's one holiday... Christmas I think... he was hilarious)

It's fourth of July, one of my favorite holidays, but the person who made it one of my favorites isn't here anymore - my Uncle Tim. I remember how excited I'd be for the 4th growing up, seriously, it was like Christmas for us kids. For days before I'd have butterflies just imagining how awesome it would be. We have family traditions you see for the 4th - first, my cousin (she was always like my little sister) kiki and I would pick out our most red/white/blue outfits we had and paint our nails in some crazy combination of those colors. Stars, stripes, polka dots... you name it. Sometimes there was face paint & hair color involved too ;) Next we'd bbq out, and play bball all day....all the while waiting to leave for the fireworks. Uncle Tim always mapped out some GREAT place to watch, usually so close we'd get burned by falling debris ;), and had the plan of attack to avoid traffic all worked out. We'd park forever away so we wouldn't sit in traffic afterwards and walk to the football stadium with frisbees, sodas and blankets in hand. I could go ON and ON but I won't... the day was simply magical (if I believed in magic) for us kids. And then, the best part of the night was at the end, the car ride home. It involved a station wagon with the back seats folding down with 4 (or 5 at the end with little Gabe) kids rolling all over the back as he drove like a crazy person down the back streets of our neighborhood. Zigging and zagging all the while we were laughing so hard we couldn't breathe being tossed to and fro in the back. We'd get home and get out of the car to my mom and aunt cracking up looking at us walk like we'd just been on the tea cups at disney world... and looking like it too! As we got older traditions changed... my Uncle Bob did his own BBQ with fireworks and we joined. But it was NOT the 4th if I wasn't with Uncle Tim and the kids. And this year... I won't be with him... or his kids. So it is a bittersweet day, full of memories made and new ones to be made I'm sure. We'll still BBQ and Uncle Bob will still try his hardest to set all the houses on fire in the neighborhood with his crazy fireworks. I'm in all red/white/blue with crazy nails and blue streaks in my hair, but kiki isn't with me. I have years of joy to ponder and an incredible family waiting just a little ways down the road for me. Yet all day, every second, i will want to cry b/c I miss my Uncle Tim so deeply. There have been 4th of July's I dared go somewhere else to see friends... and the year I did it was a mess and I called him crying (long story) and I remember him saying "baby, get in your car and come back... come back baby and it'll all be okay". And it was, I went back and he was still there, arms open to make everything better. But today, as much as I will yearn for those open arms they won't be there... but he will be on my mind every second. I will laugh and play and enjoy the AMAZING family I have, my cousin Chris is here which makes me so happy, but it will be bittersweet indeed.

I love you uncle tim.

[Jordan]

"Jordan, wake up, it's time to meet someone... a voice you'll know... meet Aunt Shelley"
And as I said "hi squirt, I've been waiting to meet you" he opened his eyes and looked right at me. Made my night! He's adorable. Took his sweet time getting here today but all is good.
I loved him before he ever arrived.

And a little random factoid....
My best friend Rhonda was born 06.27.80, on a Friday, at 5:40
Her son was born 06.27.08, on a Friday, at 5:47
....crazy

Welcome little man!! Let a new journey begin.

[12Days]

Can't breathe.

Time flew.

So much to tell you.

So much to ask.

You're gone.

I hate those words.

I hate cancer.

I miss you.

More than words.

I need you.

You're so far.

I'd give anything.

Anything.

Pictures comfort.

Memories flood.

Pictures hurt.

Pain swells.

Almost one year.

Feels like yesterday.

People forget.

The ache never leaves.

Your fight ended.

Ours rages on.

Life without you.

Will never feel right.

[Wokett]

Props to my good friend Jason for his awesome blog dedicated to his children. And if I may, with his permission, take the liberty of using his writing style in my own "Caleb Story". A fun little moment worth recording!

Caleb: OH, wow, LOOK
Miss Elley: Yah Caleb, it's a blimp
Caleb: noooo, that no bimp, THAT a wokett
Miss Elley: Actually, I'm pretty sure that's a blimp. It's like a plane.
Caleb: Nope Miss Elley, I know rowketts and that a wokett wight up there.

*wokett: a large flying object strongly resembling the goodyear blimp that is actually a cleverly disguised rocket.

[RainbowChasin]

Driving home tonight something caught my eye... a reflection in my rear view mirror. And as I looked over my shoulder I spotted it - a breathtaking look at ROY-G-BIV in it's finest state.


So I began to drive around and look for different angles of this beautiful display of God's creation that I could catch with my little point and shoot. And as I drove around really taking in the majesty of this display of color I was reminded of what had occurred just before this rainbow took life - a earth-shaking storm had blown through the city I work in, drenching it with rains and piercing cracks of thunder. I considered how we often make the analogy of the "storms of life" that bring about "growth" - similar to the rains that bring growth to nature... but how I don't usually attach rainbows with "storms". Yet, as I gazed at it today all I could think about was the mark of God's glory that was written across the sky after that storm - and compare it to the storms that have havocked my life for the past 18 months and the prayer that God's glory would be written in my life through those times. The storms are terrifying, and often exhausting as we brace for their impact, but not only do they bring growth but a graceful beauty if we yield.

[Pic-a-nic]

This is my little buddy Caleb. A few weeks ago I went on a picnic with him, his little sister Beth and his mom (& my friend) Kate. He never fails to entertain me, or my camera, and I thought I'd share these shots that I found particularly adorable.



Beth also caught the camera's eye as she attempted a handstand every time Kate or I looked away - problem was she was still strapped in her stroller upon each attempt, making for a tough handstand.

No doubt: I love these kids.

[Grace]

"He gives grace everyday"... something I have learned and lived in new ways the past year of my life. What is the only way you see if you truly know something, you remember what to do in crisis, you know the answer to a question... test it. So in my testing this year I came to find the awesome truth of the words "grace for THE day, TODAY" in ways my mind could have never fathomed.

I could not imagine losing the man who had given me the only fatherly love I've known to cancer... but on the morning my mom walked into my room - 8 months after his diagnosis - and said "Uncle Tim is with Jesus" GRACE poured fresh. I wept, but not as one without hope. Grace gave me joy that he was finally cancer free & out of pain. Grace gave me peace I'd see him again. Grace met me right where I was.

I could not imagine losing friends at such a deep time of need as I learned to walk through life after many crushing blows... but grace met me each time I saw someone slipping, or walking, away. Grace comforted my heart that I was (am) where God wants me. Grace reminded me that I must follow Christ's call even if it meant people walked away because the call was hard or unknown. Grace whispered God's word to my mind in times of loneliness that could have led to despair.

I could not image losing a piece of our family as they walked away... truth that could heal being shunned as other things became more valuable than relationship with us. Sin tainting everything it touched and threatening to wipe away years of memories with current hurts that were (and are) piling up. But grace meets me, meets us, each day as we see afresh in God's word that He holds each one that belongs to Him, that He brings back the prodigal, that He heals what the locusts eat, that He asks for trust and gives us peace.

I could not imagine life without the one I cared so much for... yet grace met me in the moment I knew that was exactly what God was calling me to. I couldn't imagine how I'd breathe if I heard the news I so dreaded was true... again, Grace met me and I rested that God was sovereign and would never lie to me, although I was met with the realness of human lies with this news.

I could not imagine the holidays without those I loved... my uncle's name bolded and underlined at the top of this list in my mind. Thanksgiving, let alone Christmas, seems like days I would be unable to make it through. Yet... say it with me... GRACE MET ME each of those mornings. Again, God's grace was there... not a day too soon or too late... strengthening me to take the next step. It reminded me of the true reasons for these holidays... THANKFULNESS: for the time I had shared with my friends, the memories, the trips, the love I'd known; for the time with my uncle, the words of wisdom, laughter, parts of myself that are the way they are because of him, the joy he brought to family gatherings, the blessing of having him in my life if only for a time; thankfulness for 8 years of ministry; thankfulness for the new great grandchild we have; THANKFULNESS as my uncle had written to me exactly one year prior.... and Christmas: it's not about me at all (shocking i know) but about a priceless give - a babe in swaddling clothes, a child KING who began a collision course with a cross, a cross that would take away my sins and justify me to a Holy God, a cross that gives me hope to see my uncle again and be restored to those I love - even if not until heaven.

Grace comes not at the moment we imagine the worst... but at the moment of need. Sitting in the hospital hearing my Uncle's diagnosis I had grace for sure - to take another breath when I felt like there was no air in the room, the lay on the hospital lobby floor with Jeremy (his son) and talk about what we were feeling and how God was in control - I had grace for THAT moment. I did not have the grace for the day we would lose him though, until that day. Although I feared that day... God gave me the grace I needed for the moment, in the moment. I need not to have feared... God was on the job and never let me down... and never will let me down.

So as I head into the new year it is Grace for the Moment I understand in new ways and wonder, not fear (altho i fight this at times) what grace I will receive this year.