[Beach06]

Yes, another trip!! But don't you worry, this isn't the last. But this one was quite different. It was just me and my mom....which I love...but I didn't get to go away with all my friends like I did last year so it's kinda sad too. Last year we all traveled to the beach and although I think we learned a lot about how to make it more fun, and better the next time, no one gave it that chance. We've done lots of little adventures in smaller crowds...some of us in crowds they don't belong at all which makes it hard, and jealousy/frustration come to the surface...but nothing alllll together.
So as I went away it was sweet to get away with my mom but I missed my friends. I guess I was running away too. Things are SO different this year, people are more distance, some off the radar to many all together. We're all spread out and it was my birthday week. The greatest gift I would have wanted was time with my friends, but I was too scared to stick around and find out if that would happen or not...I was afraid to see people not make time for me, and compare myself to other things they make time for, and get crushed. So I ran away.
But if you're gonna run....what better place to run to then the beach. I even had a nice surprise and two friends came to see me on Monday!! (yet, if i can confess....they remind me of something i don't have so it's bitter sweet....i'm SO glad they came but there was this missing piece to it all that tore at me). I had a blast with them...we laughed and talked, went out to dinner and took lots of pictures! The rest of the week I spent just relaxing with my mom...reading and thinking. There is something amazing about the beach...God speaks to me so much there. His power and mystery ever present to me as I look at the ocean and it's crashing waves. His great design as I look across the beach and how the water only comes so far. The sun beating down on me is one of my favorites...i'm always cold so i love the feeling of the heat on my skin. It's a wonderful experience for me and I'm so glad I got away again.
Our trip started out visiting my uncle's church which was amazing....having lunch with his family, then traveling to my other uncles to stay the night on the way to the beach. I love my family soooo much. I just wish I had someone to share my amazing family with...

[Pool]

I love him, more than words.

[DCunited]

[Friend?]

"Tell me everything you need now, anything at all
And I will be the one who's waiting anytime you fall
You know I can't be like everybody cause I can't tell you what you want to hear
I don't know if I can make it better, all I know is I will be around"

Friend (n.)
-A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
-A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.
-One who supports, sympathizes with
-A person you know well and regard with affection and trust;

So why do we use the term so lightly? And why don't we live up to the definition with those we truly desire "friendship" with? To "know" someone requires asking how they are, listening, caring and remembering what they said. To be "allied" with someone is to be of like heart and purpose. To have friends who spur us on to be the person we were created to be...those should be our allies. Supporting, sympathizing, regarding with affection and most of all trust. Who do we have in our circles of trust...what have they done to earn that trust? Should they be there? Do we live in a way that causes others to trust us? Want our sympathy and support?

Hmmm. I hear so many say "my friend" and can't help but think something sounds wrong.

[Gtown]

[HeartStorm]

He left her there
With a pocket full of lies
And a handful
Of broken dreams
Abandoned and scared
The memories linger on
And the next came
With promises so true
They held on for a time
But faded on the wings of the last
She wiped her tears
And walked on
But history repeated itself
In ways never foreseen
She grew weary and tired
With each backward glance
The lies came to look so true
The dreams shattered all the more
She wondered about the irony of it all
She thought it couldn't last
Once more she opened up
For this time it came so suddenly
And felt so fresh to her soul
Her heart beat with new life
Fresh dreams sparked within her
She could hear the voices calling
Beating upon the door
Her desire to run flamed again
But this time she couldn't find the road
And even if she find the strength
Someone was following behind
Then times grew dark
And fear set in
There's no way it could happen again
For the first time the blow struck
The wound was at her core
And each time after
It burned within her all the more
Blow after blow was dealt
The force knocking her face down
Over and over she raised her head
And got up off the ground
But this time she groaned with the ache
That wracked her body through
For the one that dealt this latest blow
Was the one who knew how to bind her wounds
She cried out with force and furry
She screamed at the wind
If this was life's path for her
She couldn't handle the journey again
There had been one standing
Fighting by her side
Holding her up
Speaking the Truth
Leading the way
But now alone again
She lay down and thought
This would be her final blow
Please don't let this lie be true

[Sensitive]

"With all my soul I've tried in vain
How can mere words my heart explain
This taste of heaven so deep so true
I've found in you
So many reasons in so many ways"

I'm such a sensitive person. It's unreal sometimes. The smallest thing can cause this flash of pain to shoot through my chest and my little world falls. This probably means I put too much weight in "people" and don't find my full security in God Himself...yeah, i know i said 'probably' when it's pretty obvious. But i'm trying to find the balance right now. I love loving people. I love memories, my family, my friends. I love caring for others and giving to them...and i don't want to expect anything back. I try so hard not to. I guess it's just I do want to know they care back. They hold me in some kind of special place in their heart too. Maybe I shouldn't do this...expectations are what cause let-downs. But sometimes I just feel like I'm giving so much and when i look around, it's kinda lonely. I worry people are friends with me just because of what I give...what they want from me. I mean, when the only time someone calls you is because they want something you start wondering. When you realize the last time someone asked how you were doing, how your job was going, how the family was doing was.....well you can't remember when... you hurt a little.

Not it's not all bad. I love my friends, I love my family. It's just sometimes the smallest, and sometimes silliest thing, causes me to question that which I hold so dear. It means so much to me and I start hearing this voice saying it shouldn't mean so much, because it's one sided. And I get scared. There are certain things I desire so much, and am asking God for with such hope... and somewhere inside the doubt creeps up and jumps me at my most vulnerable moments. And little by little, things crumble in my mind.

Oh God, stay my eyes on You that I might see all, hear all, and love all by and through You.

[Annapolis]

[BackwardsRain]

"There's no gravity up here

It's kinda hard to explain

Everytime... it's like backwards rain"

Jimha came home and surprised me last Sunday and ever since then I feel like i've been living in a dream world. One too wonderful and sweet and fun to be real. Having him home has been a blast!! I got to take him to one of my favorite hang out places and met his girlfriend last week. We had a blast goofin off, dancing and telling old stories =) I even enjoyed the moment I was sure we were gonna get kicked out when he went off on the creepy guys around our table - but i felt so protected and that was amazing. I usually have to fend for myself and it gets old but I know whenever I'm with Jimmy I'll be fine.

I spent Friday night at a BBQ at my Uncles and minus the "war stories" again...had a blast. Then I went away for the weekend and it was fantastic. I got to run around and play and also just chill and relax. I went Kayaking for the first time and I also got addicted to the series "Lost"...yeah, i'm already looking into downloading them from ITunes to keep working my way through the season. Oh and I also won Home Run Derby...wahoo!

I'm really trying to get better at balancing my life...work and relaxing...and the past 10 days have been pretty close to perfect. There was so much more then written here but I want to make a note of this fantastic time and really soak it all up. I'm almost scared to move a muscle b/c i don't want it to end. Although Jimha leaves Sunday so in part I know for a fact it will end. But I'm going to enjoy and cherish every last second of this amazing time God is giving me, and just pray He gives me more =)

[SUPERfun]

Jimha is home on mid-tour leave and I think we're all going to sleep for a few days! Last night we all went to Neds and what a night! Making trouble as always ;) but loving EVERY minute of being together! 

Christina, Jimha, me and Rach :)

Me and Rach - something was funny ;)

Me and Jimha - sigh - so happy he's home!

haha... goofs!!

HAHAHA!

The whole group! 

Jrod and the ladies ;)

Yah, he's having a good time - lol!

[Tremble]

Have you visited Jefferson Memorial in DC lately? You should. Stand in the center and turn, reading the four eloquent statements from this great man. And I dare you to not tear up, even desire to weep, for the state of our country who shivers when God's name is uttered, when our children have the audacity to pray to Him in their own school or when our President states His personal faith in Him and yet.... there engraved in one of the great memorials of this country the words "God Eternal" are engraved in stone above Thomas Jefferson, right in our Nations Capital. Yes, "when we remove conviction... indeed I tremble... God is just"

[MidTour]

"That's something to be proud of

That's a life you can hang your hat on

That's a chin held high as the tears fall down

A gut sucked in, a chest stuck out

Like a small town flag a-flyin'

Or a newborn baby cryin'

In the arms of the woman that you love

That's something to be proud of"

My weekend was a complete blur...i'm actually really bad about that. I pack so many things into my weekend, and stay out so late, that it all runs together and i don't remember half of it. I'm notorious for falling asleep at friends houses too!! And this weekend didn't disappoint...i ran from Friday to Sunday but i will tell you I will never forget this afternoon.

I pulled into the parking lot of my church (and work) where my mom had asked me to meet her and saw my cousin Rachel's car...and I knew at that moment...Jimmy was inside. He was due home this weekend and I've been a basket case waiting to see him. As I flew out of my car and ran to the front door i just kept saying to myself "don't fall, don't fall"!! I got to the front doors to find them locked and thought i was gonna burst....I knocked and knocked and then there he was. Sneaking around the corner and opening the door and as i put my arms around him I thought my heart was going to explode right there. I was shaking head to foot as he stood there smiling ear to ear at me. He's absolutely adorable and I didn't know what to do with myself standing there...it was finally here and he's finally home....for 2 weeks at least. To see him standing in front of me...it was like a dream. But he's been through so much and it's in his eyes, in the very tone of his voice. And he has to go back...but for now, he's here and although the tears fell fast, the joy was overwhelming at the same moment.

They couldn't stay long but he knew I was dying to see him, to HUG him again and again. I'm so proud of him, I love him more then words and I just wish he was home for good. The more he shared about what he's been through the more my heart tore just a little more. He's so young to be at war but he's also so determined. He knows it's where he needs to be right now and he's going to do the best darn job he possibly can. And for this week, he's going to rest and just be loved on. And i'm going to do the best darn job at that I can.

I meet his girlfriend this week too. They're so in love and it's a little weird. I don't want to share him...but i guess it's not about me huh?? ;)

[LifeWorks]

"What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away"


I wish i could take a photograph of what i'm looking at right now. I lead a ministry at our church that is an evangelism outreach and as i sit in our sound booth, looking out over the tables in our Sanctuary I see people staying 45 minutes past the end of our session tonight, just to talk. They're laughing, telling stories, some are still asking questions of their facilitators, some are in intimate talks about Christ. They really want to be here.

And as i sit here quietly i am sad. I'm personally feeling un-important at the moment. It's a terrible feeling, especially when it's in regards to the current situation. I spent a lot of today looking forward to my evening after work...it was kinda silly really...but for reasons i had i was excited. I like to chat, hear about what my friends have been up to, share life...and i was looking forward to an opportunity for this. I had set that time aside and it was valuable to me, that person was valuable to me...but now i sit here, plans cancelled once again and i feel sad aside. Other people, who i don't care for too much, were more important then the time that would be spent with me...it's personal. You think to yourself that it could have been said "i have plans" but then that little voice says, "well, those 'plans' must not have been very important, seeing you must not be something they look forward to, talking and catching up isn't something they want to do or they would have said just that" ....and it stings to think that may be true.

But as i sat here after hanging up the phone i looked out over this Sanctuary and i smiled with tears in my eyes. I heard the Lord telling me what i'm doing here IS valuable...there are people in this room who have been on a road bound to hell and we are giving them light....

[Endings]

So I have a funny quirk about me. I hate to leave "things" on a bad note. I mean seriously HATE it. If i'm out with people and something bad happens i'll wait until it's better before I leave. If a conversation goes south over the phone i'll stay on until it gets back on the right note again. If i hang up with someone and it leaves me feeling sad I have the desire to call back and try again. I don't know where this came from but it's quite frankly annoying. I wish i could be the person that just walks away, says whatever and moves on. Hmmmm.