[Beginning]

(in the hospital...again)

"Slowly walking through the crowds.

Staring at a lonely tear that’s hit the ground.

I can not move I can not speak.

I can’t hold the phone cause my hands are weak.

When I’m lost in darkness will you find me.

I can’t float or swim to shore, will you save me. "

I look at my last entry in October... October 19th... little did I know my life would change forever the next day, and continue changing in every possible way in the months to come.

October 20th 2006 ... A day I thought I would simply be hanging with my family that had moved to NC... lunch, seeing my aunt & uncle, catching up with the boys... turned into the day that would change my family's lives forever. That night I found myself instead laying on my cousin's deck with my phone next to me as I sobbed - hiding from the boys I had been watching while my aunt took my uncle last minute to the doctor..... and then emergency room. I'd just heard the words "Uncle Tim has a brain tumor". As I type, I remember it like it was yesterday. My Aunt needed to be the one to share this with her children we agreed so I had to hide from the boys so I could pull myself together and get them to the hospital where their older sister & brother where already there. The next 3 hours of my life were a blur. I had to call my mom and tell her. I called my friends crying, asking them to help me get it together... I had to be strong until I could get they boys to the hospital. Dinner... driving to the hospital... stopping for slurpees on the way. I remember Jeremy looking at me as we climbed into my car, just staring into my eyes. He knew... I knew he knew... but he just said "let's go". His 10 year old brother was in my backseat... his little world about to change forever. Jeremy has my heart... he has for almost 16 years... he saw what many others would have never seen... pain in my eyes though I gave no signs of distress. We drove to the hospital and my Aunt met me at the door... I walked in the hospital hearing Gabe go "mommy, what's wrong?!?" and he just stared at me as I walked away.

I got inside.

And I wept.

The older kids joined my aunt outside with their little brothers and I could see them all as they huddled together and cried. I ached. The man who lay in that hospital was the man who'd stepped in and filled the role of father in my life in many ways. His children had been like my siblings. I love them all so dearly. So I waited till I could see him. As I walked the stark, cold hallway to his room I felt like I was in a dream. I turned the corner trying so hard not to freak out but I fell on him as he lay there sobbing. What was happening???? A question that would haunt me for the following 5 months. October 21st they announced he'd need brain surgery. The tumor was in his personality and mobility...again we cried. October 22nd he had his surgery. In the hospital his oldest son works as he prepares for med school. We gathered and waited. The doctor came out.


Cancer


That word just echoed. Cancer. His personality was saved. We did not know about his mobility. My Aunt... I will never forget watching her face as she was told. The children... the looks on their faces. T-bo, a med student, knew the implications. His daughter... daddy's little girl... sobbing. Two young men, trying to understand. The rest of my family sitting and watching. What was happening? The days that followed were a blur. I stayed with the kids so I could drive them to and from the hospital each day. T-bo began to take charge of the medical plan for his father. My Aunt stayed by her husbands side.... we just tried to keep getting up and moving. Each day... more procedures... more cancer.... body scans... more cancer. I remember talking to my friends. I can hear one saying "OH geez" in my head now... I kept calling, crying, weeping, sharing more news. I didn't know what to do. I held Kristen in the hospital one afternoon telling her God was in control. He had her daddy in His hand. And as I sat with her my own heart silently wailed...
God, You see us right??????

I talked to Jeremy one night at home. My heart. We had conversations about the cancer. His dad, his hero. We talked about Jeremy. Each of us was pitching in... T-bo with the medical arrangements, Kristen taking care of her mom & trying to keep up with college, and Jeremy.... he didn't know what he could do... but he was our laughter. He reminded us what our family was all about. We love... we laugh... we live. He reminded us to keep doing that by just being himself... so I reminded him late one night over a big gallon of ice cream that he was doing that.... his role, it was vital. He was my laughter when I didn't think I could take one more step. He was this families laughter. He just smiled.... "yeah, I can do that" he told me. I sighed... I'll never forget that moment. I felt helpless. Watching my Uncle & Aunt, their children. But in that moment what Jeremy didn't know... he walked away feeling like he had a role in it all, but so did I.

In the weeks that followed my Uncle came home and I went back to my home. For him - Chemo... scans... 2nd opinions... it rushed on. And during all this there was T-bo... there are not enough words for his role in this, he was stoic. There were times he'd let down. I'd see him take this huge breath and he'd look at me with those eyes that said "I'm so tired, how am I going to do this?". And 5 months later... 3 weeks before he turns 23... he is still doing it.

This is how the journey began....

[NYE]

[Party]

Jimha's welcome back party. What a party! Chris came too :)

Not the greatest of pictures but I still love them - my family!! (and just a few of us!)

He looks confused - haha

Me and Rach showing how it's done!

The girls :)

The evening certainly was interesting. We went back and crashed at Jrod's that night and Jimha and I ended up walking around outside in the middle of the night as he started processing Iraq. Watching him go through those emotions, pacing up and down, so emotional, was heart wrenching.  I'm so thankful I could be there, but my heart hurt so much for what he's been through - there truly are no words and I know that was just .005% of it. I'm so proud of him, but I so hope he doesn't have to go back there. And tonight, he's home and with us...and that's all that matters to me.

[He'sHOME!]

He's home, he's home, he's home. And I am such a happy girl.

Me and (the cuz) Rach

Me and Jimha's girlfriend Christina :)

I LOVE dancing...we were such goofs out there ;)

The girls!!!

"go this way"

Me and M (Jrod & M came for a bit!)

Me and Jimha!! SO glad he's home.

Jrod and M - not much of the line dancing type! ;) But they did try earlier!

[Christmas06]

Our family Christmas. It's been a long few months, there aren't even words to describe it. But for today, we're together, Uncle Tim is here, and it's Christmas.

3 Generations of Ryan ladies :)

Me and Gabey...I adore him.

Me and brudder. :)

Me and my rock start grandparents!

Family dinner.

Jrod and Gabey :) I love this picture!

After a little wrestling match ;)

Danny and Buddy.

Uncle Tim calling Jrod telling him to get his butt back to the house. It was a hard day for Jrod driving all over, and M wouldn't come back with him. So sad she missed it. 

And that's us :)

[pirates]

me and kimmie!!

me and jrod :)

[TrunkorTreat]

[Chicago]

A much needed trip to Chicago. After a really long few weeks, getting away and spending the weekend with Chris was perfect timing. We did LOTS of site seeing!! We went to see Wicked!! I had authentic Chicago pizza (NO comparison!) and got to see alllll the stores :)

Me and Chris!

BEST pizza!!

We went down to the pier!

And up to the Sears tower! LONG wait but so worth it!

The view! :)

[Sketchwork]

He's the Master artist, with brush strokes purposeful and passionate He creates
The picture unfolds through the years, day upon day it moves on as He adds to it
But sometimes, we allow others to color our story.
Like children they scribble across the masterpiece
Without care they throw their marks across our page,
Without understanding they see their strokes as adding "interest" to the work
"Ruined!" some yell, and shame we now feel.
"Never the same" another cries. So we go on, what use is it.
The strokes now streak our page, dark and forceful against the sketch that was in progress
"Yes, it can never again be" we say. "I can never go back, it'll just never be the same."
But gently He whispers, I'm still working. Quietly He reminds, I AM the great RESTORER
Though the marks, now, stand out stark against His gentle work He asks us...
"Let me re-create the work I began.
But I'm going to need to take away these crayons that lie here.
I promise you, I can, and I will, make all things new. Watch Me. Trust Me. I AM at still at work"
He brushes away the dirt and grime that's covered His masterpiece
Yet He doesn't throw away the page, He doesn't start over or even begin to erase anything
He sets aside the crayons that sought to drown out the picture in progress
And picks up instruments of redemption to put into work
His heart was not to see these marks made, and He wishes no others to be laid down
Then He goes to work. Continuing His masterpiece with the same passion as before
"But these dark lines" we cry,
"It can never be the same...that was then, look what has been done"
With the same loving hand He sketches all the more. The story is still going.
I make all things new.
Taking those dark lines and bold marks and works them into His picture
As we watch with amazement the masterpiece again takes form.
The same picture that was started, begins to shine through once again.
Only now, the marks that had been left were being worked into that very picture.
He incorporated them in as if they had use in His grand design.
The marks still stand bold, but now a part of the great story, still unfolding
In fact those very marks are what draw others to take a closer look at the work
"They are much darker then the other strokes, yet still it seems, they are a part of the picture"
What happened here? What caused this picture to turn out so?" They ask
"Ah yes, those"......... and you pause....... you remember when those marks were made
And then you remember His gentle hand as He restored the work, and here it stands
You smile and say, let me tell you about those marks, let me tell you where I've been
But most importantly..... let me tell you were I'm going. I'm following the Master
Master Artist. Master Restorer. Of Souls.


"I will RESTORE to you the years that the locust has eaten" Joel 2

[DesiringGod06]

I went away with some dear friends to a conference in MN this past weekend.... and it was an a-mazing time! I knew it was going to be incredible during this moment early in the first session where the band started the first song and all of a sudden over 3500 voices filled the room in worship of the King!! Yeah, tears rolled.... and the weekend was off. I found myself in that same moment missing a friend so deeply I wept, not just b/c they weren't there with us, but b/c they weren't even able to enter into that moment had they been there. This broke my heart but I gave them to God, and the rest of my time there... both I hope God will use for His glory!

We learned about Sovereignty in the Postmodern world and I highly recommend listening to the messages online! They are so deep and rich and full of truth. I will share more on all I learned but want to recommend the messages here before I forget...

[DG06]

Desiring God Conf 2006. What a wonderful time!!

I rented a convertible...

They got a full size Crown Vic... yah, totally jealous!

[Beach06]

Yes, another trip!! But don't you worry, this isn't the last. But this one was quite different. It was just me and my mom....which I love...but I didn't get to go away with all my friends like I did last year so it's kinda sad too. Last year we all traveled to the beach and although I think we learned a lot about how to make it more fun, and better the next time, no one gave it that chance. We've done lots of little adventures in smaller crowds...some of us in crowds they don't belong at all which makes it hard, and jealousy/frustration come to the surface...but nothing alllll together.
So as I went away it was sweet to get away with my mom but I missed my friends. I guess I was running away too. Things are SO different this year, people are more distance, some off the radar to many all together. We're all spread out and it was my birthday week. The greatest gift I would have wanted was time with my friends, but I was too scared to stick around and find out if that would happen or not...I was afraid to see people not make time for me, and compare myself to other things they make time for, and get crushed. So I ran away.
But if you're gonna run....what better place to run to then the beach. I even had a nice surprise and two friends came to see me on Monday!! (yet, if i can confess....they remind me of something i don't have so it's bitter sweet....i'm SO glad they came but there was this missing piece to it all that tore at me). I had a blast with them...we laughed and talked, went out to dinner and took lots of pictures! The rest of the week I spent just relaxing with my mom...reading and thinking. There is something amazing about the beach...God speaks to me so much there. His power and mystery ever present to me as I look at the ocean and it's crashing waves. His great design as I look across the beach and how the water only comes so far. The sun beating down on me is one of my favorites...i'm always cold so i love the feeling of the heat on my skin. It's a wonderful experience for me and I'm so glad I got away again.
Our trip started out visiting my uncle's church which was amazing....having lunch with his family, then traveling to my other uncles to stay the night on the way to the beach. I love my family soooo much. I just wish I had someone to share my amazing family with...

[Pool]

I love him, more than words.

[DCunited]